one day, can change all four years.

It only felt like four days, but it’s been four years. When I thought the end would never come it came faster than I expected. When I felt like nothing would get better, it did.

I use to be the girl that cried herself to sleep, locked herself in a dark room and let the night put her to sleep. I was the girl that wanted so hard to be known, be the girl every guy wanted, I wanted my life to be worth living. My mind went through more mood swings than a pregnant woman ever has by her second child. The constant worrying and nervous feeling I would get about certain sitations, the trust I lacked within myself, others, and life itself, and last but not least the depression that dictated six years of my life. I never thought I would make it out, but I did. I did it.

It gets better, these obstacles you are going through are going to go away. They are only in your way to prove your strength, you can’t give in and let them win. Think of these obstacles as a wall, and on the other side of that wall is what you’ve wanted. You can’t get through the wall, nor go around or under it, but you can go over it. You’ll have to climb the wall, or find a way over it but once you do get over it, it won’t ever matter again. That’s basically what I’m trying to say.

I use to think that because I left my old friends I’d never get new ones, I’d be alone all my life, etc. As a senior you begin to realize that none of that matters. In the end, the people you talked to freshman year are seriously not going to be there, so there is no point to stress about it as a freshman, honestly. Leave those friends, the friends that treat you badly, put you in bad situations, cause you anxiety, get rid of them. You’ll thank yourself later, believe me. Be a friendly person and go a different path, you’ll meet new people and you’ll realize that it was worth it.

Boyfriends and girlfriends should be the least of your worries. I’ve seen three-year high school relationships end because someone went to college. There is honestly no point in worrying about relationships because you will graduate, eventually, and your excuse to break up will be college. That relationship is not going to last. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t date, honestly it gives you more time to get to know yourself better and it gives you the oppportunity to meet tons of people and try a ton of new things.

As a senior you realize how different things are, and it’s honestly not too late to change things. Don’t end the year on bad terms, change it so you are able to say you were happy. I never thought I’d be happy, or where I am at right now but I am, and it’s because I wanted that change, and I fought for it. I got over my obstacle and did everything in my power to overcome it.

Things honestly get better, but if you are still doing the same routine nothing is going to change. Sacrifice your comort zone and make a change and you will slowly begin to notice how things are changing. Nothing happens over night, but if you start now believe me, something might be different tomorrow.

The Second Stare

You know how in movies the girl walks into the room, and the guy looks up
for a semi second, and then quickly looks back down—but within the semi seconds
he’s looking down—and everything freezes, and he snaps back into reality and realizes
that the room just lit up. He looks back up and stares in awe at the girl that
brightened up the room for the second time? He looks at her because she is the
most beautiful girl in the world, even though he already knew that.
I want someone who will give me that second stare.

I’m back!

Hey guys, I’ve missed you all so much!

I know I said I was going to stop slacking on posting but I have a good excuse. My parents took us on a vacation to the lovely country of Mexico but, I don’t think I’d really call it a vacation. See when I visit Mexico I don’t go as a tourist and stay in a nice hotel, and eat nice food, I go and stay at my grandma’s house and basically spend the “vacation” as a temporary citizen, and eat citizen food, and do citizen things. Did I enjoy my trip though? Somewhat. Did I not enjoy my trip? For the most part I did not. The internet connection there sucked, it was cold, and I got sick and lost my voice for the whole trip. I hardly ever went out, I didn’t like the food, and all I wanted was to be back at home with a good book and writing the whole summer. That to me would have been perfect.

I thought a lot would happen this summer, I thought it’d be more interesting than any of my previous summers, but there was nothing really great about this summer at all. My last summer as a high school student, and all I did was waste the days until school began. So if it makes all of you feel any better, I basically had a sucky vacation. Although, to make it up to all of you, I am working on a secret project that hopefully I can get started on quickly for your enjoyment. It’s something many of you have been requesting for the longest time ever, and I’m so excited to begin working on it.

I really hope you all had a wonderful summer, I’m excited to start hearing from you. If you guys didn’t know, I began my senior year today, and I’ve been waiting for this day to come for the longest time. Although, I actually prayed this whole week it wouldn’t come. I’ve been counting the days until I leave for college ever since I realized I was depressed, but now I just want it to stop. Maybe it’s because I’m scared? Maybe I’m just not ready. I don’t know what it is, but I’m so nervous yet so ready. I can’t wait to share my last year with you guys.

I love you guys and I’m so glad to be back.
Take Care because I care :-)

Competition

How do you compete with someone who takes the attention away from you. It might sound cocky but I do want attention, I want the attention of the only person on earth who’s attention matters to me. But how do I do that? I can’t compete with these other girls, I’m not what he dreams he could have, because I am me. He wants something more than me.

I’m not the type of girl a random Twitter account will post a picture of and say that I’m “slaying” or that I’m so perfect. I’m not the girls that you’ll see pictures of showing her boobs or butt and everyone talking about how great they are on those “iloveboobsdaily” accounts on Twitter, that were probably made by a middle school boy who probably doesn’t even know how to talk to a girl. My point is, how do you get the attention of the person you want when you’re just plain old you? There’s nothing great about me, physically and I know that. My freshman little sister is prettier than me, and has a better body than me, I know, I get reminded all the time. So why would anyone go for me? Why am I kidding myself?

The thing about us girls, the girls that keep to themselves, are so insecure, read books, are smart, and care about other things and avoid relationships is because we know. We are smart enough to know what happens with getting our hopes up. We know that there are girls out there that have more to offer, girls that say yes to pleasing you because they don’t care, we know that you want someone to just be that for you. We know you don’t want us. Because, we read books instead of wanting to party, we drink tea and coffee over alcohol, we fill our minds with knowledge instead of drugs, we will cook for you instead of making you buy us food, we like old fashion relationships instead of just having sex, we want something real and you just want someone who will give you what you want the second you ask. How do you compete with that? It really bugs me. 

Do you ever go somewhere public like the fair, an amusement park, the mall, downtown or even to a local McDoanlds? Then you see a guy and you just hope he notices you, even if he’s a complete stranger because then it’ll make you feel good about yourself? But he doesn’t? Instead he checks out some girl walking behind you, that’s showing what more she has to offer than you? It’s ridiculous, it really is. I don’t want to compete anymore against the girls who are better than me, if I’m not enough for him then I won’t fight for his attention anymore. I’m not what he wants, okay. I’ll just keep to myself again. 

Hopelessly Devoted

Isn’t it ironic how your best friend is supposed to be the one to treat you better than everyone else, respect you, and have a better relationship with you, but then ends up being like every other guy or girl? 

But regardless, you look for every reason to grasp onto that hope, the very little hope you have, to still want to be with them? Yet everytime they do something that gives you a reason to give up, you still hold on? It’s so stupid and it makes me mad. 

Falling in love with your best friend is inevitable. But I won’t deny that it won’t happen because, at some point you’re going to look at them and realize that they are everything to you. You’re going to realize how perfect they are, because within the time that you two have been best friends you’ve become comfortable with each other and seen past all their flaws and insecurities. You both know each other inside and out, you’re family likes them and theirs like you. Everything is just supposed to work out for the two of you… But it doesn’t.

I’m mad because I’m hopelessly devoted to him. No matter what he puts me through I won’t back away, and it really sucks. I expected that as my best friend he’d treat me differently because we know each other so well, but I realized, that is not the case. I forgot that we live in a messed generation that doesn’t know the meaning of love. I forgot that because he’s my best friend, it won’t stop him from being the same guy I’ve always known. The only reason I give in and put up with whatever he puts me through is because I fell for him, and I fear that if I fight back he’ll back away and not fight for me. I fear that I will push him away and never even make things work.

But he’s my best friend, it’s not supposed to be that way. He’s not supposed to back away, he’s not supposed to treat me the way he does, but he does it anyway. And because I’m so stupidly head over heels for him I won’t say anything. I don’t know what we are, or how he feels, it’s so confusing, but I know how I feel. And because I know how I feel I’m loyal as heck, I give him all my attention and time, all my everything and I hate myself for it because I’m the stupid one.

If you find yourself giving your everything to someone and they are not giving you anything in return, except empty inboxes, weeks without seeing each other, endless piles of cancelations, ditching you, or being rude as hell respect yourself enough to walk away because honey, we all deserve better than that. Do not keep wasting your time on someone who doesn’t know what they want while you do know. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. And even if he or she is your best friend, tell them how you feel and put a stop to the bad treatment cause as your best friend they should treat you better than they do. I’m going to do it, so I want you all to do it because like I’ve said before we’re all in this together. 

I love you guys, and you’re all wonderful people and definitely deserve better than what you’re having to put up with. Take care because I care. 

Infinite apologies.

I shouldn’t be apologizing. But I am going to anyways because I just want to get it all off my chest.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I am not the greatest person in this world.
I’m sorry that I procrastinate, and leave most things until last minute.
I’m sorry that I get distracted so easily and forget to text back or do something.
I’m sorry that I forget little or major things, like birthdays, small promises, certain situations, just little things.
I’m sorry that I go into other worlds sometimes, and that I have to ask you to repeat what you said.

I am sorry that my mood changes constantly. That when I’m happy I am too happy, and might become annoying. Or when I’m sad that I’m so sad I seem distant, or pushy.
I’m sorry that I don’t express myelf the best.
I’m sorry that I don’t trust you and have a hard time accepting compliments.
I’m sorry that I take critism a little to hard sometimes.
I’m sorry that sometimes I might spill my whole life story to you, even if you aren’t interested or if it even matters.

I’m sorry that I’m so picky when it comes to food.
I’m sorry that I never know what I want, or even never like to choose.
I’m sorry that I don’t accept gifts, I always feel like I don’t deserve them.
I’m sorry if you think I expect so much from you.
I’m sorry if I am so difficult.

I’m sorry that I’m not what you want, or what anyone wants.
I’m sorry that I don’t have the flattest stomach, biggest butt, or biggest boobs.
I’m sorry that I have such a big nose, chicken legs, big ears, and uneven eyebrows.
I’m sorry I don’t have the best hair in the whole world, or the brightest eyes, or bigges smile.
I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t know how to do makeup.

I’m sorry that I push people away.
I’m sorry that I like to be alone at times.
I’m sorry if I want you to care, even after I told you not to.
I’m sorry if I blame you for everything.
I’m sorry if I don’t like to talk about problems verbally.

I’m sorry that I’m always scared.
I’m sorry that I think so realistically.
I’m sorry that I’m so open-minded yet so sarcastic at times.
I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t even make sense or speak with reason.
I’m sorry that I talk about the past a lot.

I’m sorry that I complain a lot and get annoyed very easily.
I’m sorry that sometimes I like to listen to Elvis, other times to the weekend, and other times to whatever is in between.
I’m sorry that I care for people so much even though they still don’t appreciate it.
I’m sorry I’m not the smartest person in this world.
I’m sorry that I’m not the best with money.

I’m sorry that…

It’s weird.

Stop whatever you are doing. Close your eyes. Breath and do not move, don’t think.
Do you hear that? “This is your heart it’s alive [and] It’s pumping blood.” You are alive. Now breath in, deeply. You smell that? It’s the world you live in, it’s life. Now open your eyes back up, art and life is all around you. Now continue on with your day, because you are alive. Regardless of what you are going through, what happened in your past, or what your future may have in store for you, you are still alive. You are proof that human existence is real and that it works. You are proof that even though bad things happen, you can keep going. You made it this far. Why stop now?

Life is weird sometimes you know, and maybe it won’t ever make sense but what do we know about anything? Sometimes I wish I would have grown up with a better relationship between my mom and I. I wish that I would have never gone with the crowd in middle school. I wish that some of the decision I made, I never even thought of. I wish I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my time and money on the wrong people, that I would have stood up for myself and never let anything get to me. When I think about it, I spent 80% of my teenage life locked in my room, dark, and alone. But I am proof of life, that even though bad things happen, I am still alive. That proves that I am strong, and I want you all to feel the same way. You impact someone else’s life. You impact me, you guys read my posts and connect to me. We’re virtually connected and if you decide to give up, I lose you. We’re like a family, and that’s important. I don’t want to lose family.

It’s funny how we let negativity affect us, and in return we let it win. We cannot let it keep winning because it will take over our life, and we don’t want that. We want to be in charge of it… The weird thing is that even this applies to those that cause the negativity. It’s like a cycle that began who know when and with who.

We are life proof. We need to keep proving that we are full of life and that we are in control.

I love you guys. Take Care because I care.