Don’t

Boy, don’t you dare do that to her.

Don’t you dare message her asking if she needs company  or if she’s okay knowing that you could care less. She is lonely, sad, and heart broken; and if she tells you to come over it’s because she needs someone to be there for her, not someone that will put more weight on her already struggling shoulders. She isn’t asking you to come over in the middle of the night to do things you aren’t suppose too, she’s asking you to come over because once upon a time you were her best friend, you cared about her, and she trusted you enough to tell you everything and all she wants is for you to hold her and care for her. She isn’t thinking of the mistake you committed months ago she wants you there, so don’t you dare take advantage of that.

Don’t you dare start talking to her on a continuous basis if you know well enough that you don’t want her. Don’t make it seem like you’re into her when you’re not. She just got her heart-broken and her heart is seeking love more than ever now, so believe me, she will get attatched. So don’t you dare act like you care about what she’s going through when you know exactly that you only want one thing from her. You know she’s sensitive and because she once cared about you and loved you, you know she is capable of doing so much for you. Don’t you dare take advantage of that.

Don’t you dare send her a message after her break-up unless all you really want is to be there for her. Poor thing is going through enough already, she doesn’t need you to come back after you broke her heart many months ago, only to break her heart again. So don’t you dare mess with her anymore, you lost your chance.

 

A letter to you.

Dear you,

There are so many things I didn’t get the chance to say that last night, and I know that if I hold it all in, it will haunt me for a long time.

To begin with, thank you. Thank you for getting out of your comfort zone and attempting a relationship, knowing it wasn’t your thing. Not only did you prove me wrong of being capable of doing it, but you proved everyone else wrong. Now I know it ended, but it wasn’t neither of our faults. The flame just simply burned out. Just knowing that within the time we were together you put in so much effort is enough for me. You brought happiness to my heart, you silenced the monsters in my head, you turned my life into a beautiful song.

Thank you for accepting me, loving my flaws, understanding where I was coming from, and giving me the chance to grow. I’ve become so used to people leaving my life as soon as I open up to them, I’ve feared telling someone my biggest secret, I’ve dreaded adapting to this new lifetstyle and doing something wrong, but through it all you were there. You stayed, you helped, you motivated me, you did so much and you don’t even realize it.

Thank you for being so spontaneous. Long nights outside your house or in a parking lot just talking, listening to music, skipping a day of school to spend a whole day together, going to a concert together, taking long drives, serving together, knowing I’ve always hated celebrating my birthday and surprising me with a party with all out friends… thank you, for all the adventures.

Thank you for being the man that I know you to be. You handled the situation so maturely, you were honest, and you spoke the truth. I could have said so much more, my heart and mind were just trying to process the situation. I wish I would have gotten the chance to actually thank you.

I know you will do amazing things, and I know you’ll do it with a passion. I know you’re going to go far, because you have so much potential. I wish you the best and so much happiness. I will always be cheering you on.

From, me.

The ending.

I spent a year grieving over my break up. Night after night crying myself to sleep in my dark room. Avoiding contact with people, activities, priorities, avoiding life in general. I isolated myself from those I surrounded myself with. Another year I spent learning to love myself, learning to come out of that dark hole. It took me two whole years to officially move on from the betrayal, from the hurt, the heartbreak that my ex caused, and leave it all in the past and just focus on the future.

Then, he came out of no where. He conquered my heart and fought against his own flaws to prove how badly he wanted this. For once this was a relationship worth fighting for, not like with my ex. There was no room for selfishness, but instead acceptance and understanding, room for mistakes, and love. The relationship ended.

I keep surprising people by saying I’m happy and not upset. Yes I am heart broken, I wanted things to work out and keep fighting, but I can’t change something I can’t control. I didn’t do anything wrong nor did he, it’s actually much more simple than that. He fell out of love.

I wanted to fix things, make him fall in love with me again, I wanted him back, but you can’t start a fire if the circumstances won’t let you. Yeah I miss him, a lot actually, but it honestly makes me happy seeing him  happy. I had to put myself in his shoes and understand where he was coming from. If I fell out of love I think I would have wanted the other person to understand me. Unserstand that it’s not an excuse, it’s not putting the blame on you, it’s simply the fact that we’re human and we are programed to fall out of love, just as we are programed to fall in love.

I tried not making the situation about me, but about him. I love him, still do, and all I ever wanted was to see him happy. Sunday in church as I watched him sneak a smile as he was drumming, doing one of his favorite things on this earth, it made me happy. I know he’s going dowm the right path, and that instead of wasting my time like I did with my ex-boyfriend dedicate the time to growing as a person and being happy. I love him for the way he handled the situation, for his honesty, understanding me, and creating a friendship out of it.

It wasn’t a happily ever after. It wasn’t a sad ending. It just simply ended.

A run-on sentence

Something as small as a shoe takes me back to the night my dad almost left. A chicken wing reminds me of the day I was humilated in front of a crowd of people. Something as small as a scent takes me back to the things I try so hard to forget.It makes something as simple as a blanket or the night sky, take my mind back to the night I knew I had a best friend I could trust. A friend that came to my side at 3 in the morning and listened to me go on and on about how jubilant I was to see my first shooting star that night. I hate being called on by teachers, eye contact, eating in front of people. Counting money before I pay, asking for help, I always prepare what to say, feeling embarrassed all the time, not knowing and the constant feeling of worry. I get nervous about everything, sometimes I literally don’t know why I’m so anxious, I just am an no-one seems to understand that. I apologize for everything, the smallest things, and I’ve learned that it’s a coping mechanism. Getting mad at someone with anxiety, yelling, attacking them with words, blaming them, doesn’t help. Reassuring them that they are fine is the best way to deal with it.
They say that monsters don’t live under your bed, they live inside your head. My monsters are so strong they’ve taken life in those that I surround myself with, they never leave. They’ve become so strong and all the while I become weaker and weaker. They like to come out at night and the feeling is so impossible to describe.
It’s the feeling of being awake when the whole world is asleep, staring at the ceiling, surrounded by darkness asking yourself a million questions debating whether or not you actually want to know the answer, wondering about who might actually care about you and who is just taking advantage of you, feeling like you aren’t good enough because you aren’t this or that, desiring the attention you can’t have, not being able to be completely happy is the most frustrating thing in the world because it is physically and emotinally impossible, wanting to be held, wanting to vent, but no one understands, questioning your worth, your value, importance, pride, yourself, everything and you think, and think, and over think through the night, thoughts with no end, and you’re left all alone with yourself, your thoughts, and a very dark place.

It’s the feeling of reading a long run-on sentence with no periods.

Welcome back.

I promise, the worse sound ever is that crack in your voice when you’re about to cry. You don’t know pain until you’re staring at yourself in the mirror with tears streaming down your face, as you’re trying so hard to stay strong and hold on. That is pain.  You know it’s funny, you think you’re finally fine and everything is okay, but then one little thing reminds you of the past and it all comes back and it’s like a huge slap to the face. Getting bad again after you’ve been happy for a while is literally one of the worst feelings ever.
I don’t know what happened, I was fine and then out of no where I completely broke. I couldn’t stop thinking, my mind was being flooded with all these thoughts and I couldn’t put it to rest. I was so scared, I though it went away but I forgot that this doesn’t go away, it comes back. The thoughts don’t go away, the memories don’t go away, it all comes back. I was alone, and that was dangerous, I might have done something stupid. You can’t avoid your thoughts, they’re there whether you listen or not, but how do you stop your mind from thinkng?
I needed to be held while I was one the floor falling apart, I needed someone to sing to me to quiet the monsters in my head, I needed security. But like always I was left to hold myself. I needed someone, but no one was there…and I think that made it worse.
I am so tired of being the one who cares more. I’m tired of giving my all and it still not being enough. I’m tired of not living up to anyone’s expectations, of not being normal or even good enough. I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay when in reality nothing is okay, and it won’t ever be okay.
And the scary thing is that I don’t know when it’s going to come back..

What I would have said

She was only fifteen when the simple thought of ending it crossed her mind. She sat in her room in the dark, cradled into a ball on her bed alone. That was the scariest and the most dangerous thing anyone could do, leave her alone in the darkness. The monsters in her head kept her awake all night, she couldn’t stop thinking. Thought after thought, memory after memory, her mind refused to rest until she was broken. Ending it was simple, quick, and easy. Having the guts to even do it, that was the hard part. There was no speck of hope that things would get better, her life was full of disappointments, attacks, darkness, and no hope. She was fighting a battle everyday and all she wanted was to surrender. She couldn’t take it anymore. She almost did it, but she survived.

If I had the chance to go back in time and talk to that angel, I’d tell her that everything got better. I’d tell her that she was stronger than she ever thought and that she could get through it. I would remind her of how beautiful she is and how the world would be lost without her. I’d tell her that if she went through with it she’d never get the chance to be in the lives of those that matter. I’d tell her that all the monsters went away and that the future is full of amazing opportunities, and amazing people that care for her.

I wish someone would have been there to tell me all that, then I might have won my battle earlier. I might have done something different, I might have never attempted it. No one told me though, no one was there for me, but with the help of God I was pulled out of that situation. I was saved. I guess all I really have to say is that it gets better, no matter how bad it is. I was on the fine line of almost doing it but I didn’t. When I finally put that thought to rest I never revisited it again, and I’m blessed because then I would never have gotten the chance to live the life I am living now. It gets better.
Take Care because I Care.

My biggest fear

There were days when I was so happy, I thought things were beginning to change and get better. Then something bad would happen to kill that joy. It was like life was saying, “Just kidding, life sucks.” I began to realize that nothing was too good to even be true, at any moment everything would fall apart, there was no reason to be happy if it was all going to end. So when days would come when I was so happy, I lowered my expectations and didn’t get my hopes up. I knew the happiness wouldn’t last.

Then, I overcame depression. Then, I let go of all the negative and irrelevent people in my life and began changing things for my benefit. Then, I met a boy that changed my life. I was surrounded by all these amazing people who I am proud to call my friends. Then, I began to change my attitude and behavior with my family. Things began to change and for the first time in seventeen years…I was actually happy.

I am so happy with life right now, and every now and then something small happens but the issue doesn’t stay long. Now that I am genuinely happy I don’t expect disappointment.I haven’t had a bad day in a long time. And if I do have a bad moment, it doesn’t affect me, it’s not a big deal, I am no longer suffering…
and that is my biggest fear… I am so happy and nothing is going wrong that I sooner or later something so bad is going to happen that it’s going to break me. I can’t even imagine what is coming to me. I don’t want to know what’s going to dominate my happiness this time and nothing scares me more than that, having all my happiness be taken away from me.
That is my biggest fear.