3.24.15

I’m right back where I started. I thought everything was perfect for once, but I was wrong. Being a good person has its advantages, but it also has its downsides. Being nice gives you the chance to be taken advantage of more, and people abuse this trait too much. I’m a victim of it. I’ve done favors for people who don’t even say hi or acknowledge me, once they got what they wanted they were out the door and we went back to being the strangers we were. But nothing sucks more than being too nice to friends that don’t care about you. My friends hid a vodka bottle under my bed some weeks ago, I never drank out of that bottle, I didn’t even have anything to do with that day, I was passed out. My mom found the bottle, and because I am a nice person I took the blame for it, I protected my “friends” so they wouldn’t get in trouble. I risked my whole future and all my dreams. I gave up going to NYC this summer, Europe next spring break, everything for a group of friends that don’t even ask how I am doing because they’re just happy I didn’t snitch on them. They complain that I don’t tell them anything or open up to them about my problems, but I’m not going to beg for their friendship, if they’re really my friends and actually care about me they will come and check if I’m okay, not wait for me to beg for their comfort. They know I’m depressed and upset, I don’t have to keep reminding them.

My mom was disapointed, and I haven’t seen her so hurt and upset since the day she found out about the suicide attempt. Her relationship and mine got better, it improved so much since then and it killed me to know how badly she was hurting, and it’s all because I’m taking the blame for something I wasn’t involved with. That bottle was not mine, I didn’t drink out of it, nor was I there to take part, but I’m the one facing the consequences. I’m jeapordizing my bright future for being a good person, and I worked way too hard for all this to just be thrown away.

I’ve been so upset this past week and I don’t like admitting that to you guys because I keep telling you guys it gets better and that I’m better. I’m giving you all this advice and help because I want to help you guys, but I can’t help myself. You are all my inspiration, your emails and comments mean something to me and bring joy to my everyday life. This is my comfort zone, with you guys, and I you should all know that I’m still fighting hard with you guys, cause eventually it gets better, but once it’s better it gets harder, but you will be physically and mentally prepared for any challenge. I’m a very sensitive person, and when I get treated a certain way now, I get a flashback to a time it  happened in the past and I break down, because I can’t get those memories out of my head. I’m staying strong though, because my past helped me and shaped me into who I am today, and I learned from that..

Take Care because I care. Don’t let go, keep fighting. I’m with you.

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Do it for you.

The year is coming to an end and for seniors, your time is up, juniors it’s our turn. It’s time to put everything down and quit messing around because in one year high school will just become a memory and we will begin living in a whole new world. College. But before we start making decisions this coming year we have to remember that this is our future, not any one else’s. You can become anyone you want to be, and do anything you want to do. It’s your future. Our parents are a big factor in this process, obviously, but when choosing which school you want to go to and what you want to major in, do not let them interfere. They want you to become a doctor, but you hate science and want to study art, go for it. They want you to take over the family business, but you want to travel the world or become a teacher, do it. The only role parents have when college comes around, is moral support. That’s it.

I have dreams, and goals. I want to study media communications and fashion. That’s what I am passionate about, and how I want to spend the rest of my life. I dreamt of attending college in NYC, LA, or Florida, home to some of the best fashion and media schools, but my dreams never reached that far because something was holding me back, and that’s rejection. I knew I would never have a chance to get into those schools so I never considered requesting information, much less applying there. But dreams come true, because these schools came to me. They called me, the sent me invitations and letters asking me to join some of their summer programs. For me it was an honor and a dream come true, there was not doubt that I had to go, regardless of any obstacle. But, there is in one obstacle standing in my way, and that’s my parents. They think they are thinking realistically and there is no way I’m getting in, they want to convince me to go to school near-by and become something else, they don’t support my dreams.

But because I’m a fighter like the rest of you, I’m going to these programs no matter what it takes. These are our dreams and no one can take them from us or tell us no. The only thing standing in the way of you and your dreams is you. My parents have nothing to do with this decision, all they can do is choose to support me or not. In ten years you will thank yourself that you did what you wanted to do, because you’ll be doing what you love, and if you love what you do then life will more enjoyable. Don’t let anyone be a facotr in your future life decisions. Don’t follow your friends to a school because they’re all going there, in the end friendships change and are separated, you’ll meet a whole new group of friends who are into the same things as you. Don’t go somehwere for someone else, do it for you. In the end it is all about you. Fight for your dreams because like I’ve said before, you can make any dream come true when, and if you are willing to work for it because if you’re not then it was never a dream to begin with just a thought or an idea.

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Winning my battle

My last visit was nine months ago, I don’t remember where we left off or the last thing I told her. It must have been about me breaking up with my ex because that’s all she remembered. I went to a therapy check-up today, just to see how I was doing, if I made improvements, or if I should start therapy again. She asked me how I was doing and I said I was doing great, she said that in the past when I would go I always answered with an, “I’m alright” or “okay.” I didn’t have much to tell her, there was always something wrong with my life that I could talk to her about in the past, but today I had nothing.

So we talked about the nine months in between our last meeting and today’s. She asked about my ex and how he was doing, instead of doing the normal thing I’d do, talk crap, I said he was doing fine. He has a girlfriend, they’ve been dating for six months and I’m happy for him. That topic was dropped. She asked why life is better now, and I told her I made changes. I made a new group of amazing friends that I consider family now, and let go of those that are now irrelevent. She asked about family, and my relationship with my mom and sister. My mom and I have grown closer, she’s learned to not ask why I’m upset when I am, and just show she cares instead of bugging me and making things worse. I learned to let her in. I don’t tell her everything but I generally tell her what she wants to know, so she knows at least how I am. My sister’s and my relationship is your average love hate sibiling relationship. I learned to accept that. Other than that I’m fine, and I’m happy.

As one that suffers from depression, I’m glad I can say that I’m happy that I’m not where I use to be. I’m not where I want to be though, but I’ll get there. I have depression still, that won’t go away, you can’t take those memories away from me, I’ll always remember them. But I’m happier now, and I’ll be strong when I’m not.

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Respect Yourself

You are a human being and so is everyone else around you. You, as well as everyone else deserve happiness and to be treated right, but I’ve learned through time that you need to earn that. It all starts with you, no one else, just yourself. You have to learn to respect yourself enough that you can be treated the way you want to. We all make mistakes, it’s what makes us human so it’s okay to make them, but if you don’t maturely own up to those mistake and do something about it, things will only get worse.

If you are in a bad relationship and you know it’s not working out. Whether it’s an abusive relationship, a failing relationship, or a relationship where you aren’t treated or given the respect you deserve, whether you’re a boy or girl, respect yourself enough to walk away from it. Walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy and never run back to what broke you.

And for my girls out there. You are all beautiful and wonderful human beings. You do not need to change yourself for a boy to love you. If you aren’t eating so he could love your body more, or wearing more make-up to be prettier than the other girl, stop. Don’t do it unless you’re doing it for yourself. Respect yourself ladies. If you want to change yourself do it for your own desire and not anyone else’s. If he, or maybe even she for you boys out there, is trying to change you I promise you they don’t love you. You might think they do, but don’t you think that if they did, they’d love you just the way you are? FInd someone who accepts you and supports you.

If relationships or mistakes aren’t the reason and it’s job related, or school it’s the same idea. If they are treating you like crap at your job and you know you deserve more respect own up to it or quit. For teenagers that’s fairly easier, to quit. If you know you deserve more do yourself the favor and go out and seek a different opportunity. For sports if you aren’t given the amount of playing time you want or deserve go out and get it, if you sit around and don’t do anything, or prove yourself, you’ll just be a bench warmer all your life. But you want more, so go out and work for it. Earn that respect.

In the end you will feel so much better. And whatever you do, don’t run back. Be the mature one and don’t give in. You’re strong fighters and I know you all are. You’re stories and emails have proved that to me. Although to getting the respect you deserve there is a couple factors you should avoid, and that’s your pride and cockiness. If you become too prideful and cocky it turns into a whole new situation. Just learn to respect yourself and do things for your own benefit.

Take Care Because I care.

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It’s worth it

All the hard work that you’re doing right now is worth it. All the all-nighter’s spent doing homework, the amount of caffeine taken, all the studying, everything, it’s all worth it. The extra push-ups, laps, lifting, or the change in diet it’s worth it. The more effort you put into your work and dreams, the more it’s worth it. You might feel like yoou’re under appreciated and no one appreciates your hard work or acknowledges it, but believe me, your future self and whoever is in your future will.

Don’t give up on your dreams, and I mean it. If you want to become the star-player on your team, work hard for it. If you want to be the best in school study and work for it. I’ve always said that you can make any dream come true, if you’re willing to work for it, because if you aren’t then it was never a dream to begin with. Just a thought or idea.

I do mean it when I say it’s worth it. I always thought my parents never appreciated my good grades, all the high honor roll certificates I brought home, all the college letters that have taken notice in me, or any of my school achievements and accomplishments. I started thinking it wasn’t worth it but last night I realized how proud of myself I am. Full Sail University in my opinion is the best media school in the country, and it would be a dream to attend. It was never an option for me since it’s in Florida and I live in Indiana, but last night their admissions counselor called me. She knew my name, she knew about all my projects I’ve done for my school’s interactive media class, she knew who I was. She said they were interested and want to meet me and see some of my work. You can imagine the amount of excitement I felt, I told my parents, my best friends, and they were all as excited as I was. It was possible, and since it’s a dream I’m working hard to make it come true.

I almost gave up on my dreams because I let the negativity of my get to me, I almost quit the class. The call last night was my wake up call to work hard to improve the school news as best I could, and not let anyone stop me. Someone out there appreciates what you’re doing right now, I appreciate it. I know what it feels like to have endless piles of homework and tests to study for, I know the struggle. I know what it’s like to be a leader of a club, where everyone counts on you to keep things together, what it feels like to keep a social life and work at the same time. The amount of anxiety and stress, waking up late in the mornings from sleeping late or just never having time for anything. I know the feeling, but in the end it’s worth it. When you pursue your dreams everything else disappears and it no longer matters. You won’t remember what it felt like to stay up late studying for a test, forgetting to do an assignment, or working out to the extreme, because once your goal is met, it won’t matter.

I wanted to battle depression, that was my biggest accomplishment. I worked hard for it and I achieved it. I’m not saying I’m not depressed anymore, but I’m a little happier than I use to be, and honestly I wouldn’t want it any other way because it was all worth it. I met a great group of friends, I got closer with my family, and got to meet so many of you already. Honestly you can apply hard work to any situation and I promise it’s all worth it.

Take Care because I care. I believe in you guys and appreciate your hard work and effort.

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It’s Okay

I know what it’s like to have my heart broken, and what it’s like to break a heart. I know what it’s like to be wanted, and I know what it’s like to not want someone, and I’ve learned that that’s okay. It’s okay to want someone you can’t have, to want something more. It’s okay to cry when you’re hurt, and it’s okay to stay mad at someone who hurt you. It will always be okay. That’s how life works. Sometimes things don’t work out how you want them to, and most of the time, it seems like they never will. But eventually everything will work out some way or another. You have to believe, keep your faith and move on.

I know what it felt like to like someone so much but never get a chance with that person, but I also know what it felt like to be wanted by someone so much but they never got the chance. And, I believe that we were so obsessed with finding the perfect person to love us, because we couldn’t love oursleves. What I learned from my situation was that in order for him to have wanted me the way I wanted him, I had to love and want myself first. I had to love myself in order to let someone else love me. On the other hand, the guy that wanted me but didn’t get a chance didn’t learn the same lesson as me. He has so much anger and hate in him, he’s obssesive and possesive, it actually kind of scares me. But in order for anyone to love him or want to be with him he of course needs to love himself and calm down.

I understand that I hurt him and that’s what makes me mature, because instead of carrying on the situation I tried to understand him. That’s a mark of maturity, and I believe that he should do the same with my situation. It’s one thing everyone should learn to do, instead of holding a grudge or going off on someone, try to understand their situation and put yourself in their shoes. As of now I don’t think we’re friends anymore but I hope sooner or later he understands that it’s not all about him, because he craves attention from people, especially girls. He wants to be loved, but that’s okay, because we all wanted to be loved or feel important, but he needs to learn to love himself before anyone else. I think that’s just an important lesson that we all need to learn, and he needs to learn as well.

Take Care, because I care.

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Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’m super excited for it, not because I have a date or anything, but because I have multiple dates.

My sister was born on Valentine’s Day, and although she hates that it’s the same day as the holiday of love, she puts up with it. She thinks of it as everyone is celebrating her birthday all over the world, which is logical enough for me. In the past my sister and I never got along. I labeled her as a bully, my main bully. But over the course of this year me and her have surprisingly managed to get along. There are moments where it gets out of hand but I can handle it and so can she, I believe it’s because she’s beginning to hit the end of middle school puberty, and maturing as she’s about to begin high school next year. She’s basically me when I was in middle school because that was the year I started wanting change. So for her birthday I have decided to throw her a surprise birthday party with all her friends and I am super excited because of course it’s a Valentine’s Day birthday themed party. That was a pretty big word ha. I know that in the past we never got along but I actually want to do something for her, so she will be my morning Valentine’s Date until her surprise party is ready.

Once she’s with all her friends having fun I will have another date with six other people, at the same time. My best friends are coming over and we are spending Valentine’s Day together. I’m super excited because nothing is better than not spending Valentine’s Day alone. If you’re single on Valentine’s Day like me and my friends, and my sister and her friends it’s okay! Hang out with some friends and do some fun crazy things to remind yourself how much fun it is to be single. Honestly all the love you need is from your family, friends, and me. One day that special someone will come you just have to be patient. One day you’ll meet someone who will treat you like it’s Valentine’s Day every day, so you don’t need to stress about this year. Go out and have fun with loved ones because those are also important relationships. And if you seriously cannot think of anything to do, go buy a cake and celebrate my sisters birthday with us! We will definitely share the love.

Take Care because I care, and rememeber that I love you all and enjoy reading your comments and emails. You’re the best.