Welcome back.

I promise, the worse sound ever is that crack in your voice when you’re about to cry. You don’t know pain until you’re staring at yourself in the mirror with tears streaming down your face, as you’re trying so hard to stay strong and hold on. That is pain.  You know it’s funny, you think you’re finally fine and everything is okay, but then one little thing reminds you of the past and it all comes back and it’s like a huge slap to the face. Getting bad again after you’ve been happy for a while is literally one of the worst feelings ever.
I don’t know what happened, I was fine and then out of no where I completely broke. I couldn’t stop thinking, my mind was being flooded with all these thoughts and I couldn’t put it to rest. I was so scared, I though it went away but I forgot that this doesn’t go away, it comes back. The thoughts don’t go away, the memories don’t go away, it all comes back. I was alone, and that was dangerous, I might have done something stupid. You can’t avoid your thoughts, they’re there whether you listen or not, but how do you stop your mind from thinkng?
I needed to be held while I was one the floor falling apart, I needed someone to sing to me to quiet the monsters in my head, I needed security. But like always I was left to hold myself. I needed someone, but no one was there…and I think that made it worse.
I am so tired of being the one who cares more. I’m tired of giving my all and it still not being enough. I’m tired of not living up to anyone’s expectations, of not being normal or even good enough. I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay when in reality nothing is okay, and it won’t ever be okay.
And the scary thing is that I don’t know when it’s going to come back..

You don’t love them.

How can you love someone and tell them they mean the world to you, yet not treat them the way there are supposed to be treated? How can you disrespect someone who you constantly reasure that you don’t want to rush into anything? How can you tell someone that you only have eyes for them and then idolize other people straight to their face? You don’t love that person.

If you loved this person you’d respect them. If they tell you their boundaries you respect those boundaries. If they tell you they aren’t comfortable with something you respect that. Don’t you dare pressure this person into doing something that they aren’t okay with because if you truely love this person you won’t push them. I don’t understand why it has to be so hard and an everyday arguement. If they say no the it’s a no. They shouldn’t have to give you an explanation, and if you can’t handle it go date someone who will do what you ask when you ask, adn let this person go find someone who will respect them.

If you loved this person you’d make sure that they know that you only have eyes for them and no one else. You’d remind them that having them is better than having anyone else. Being with this person shouldn’t make you check out other people or lust after them, that is a form of betrayal. This person should be your world and you should only have eyes for them. If you can’t do that let them go to find someone who can show them off to the world.

If you can’t commit to doing anything as simple as this, then you don’t deserve to be loved by this person. This person that makes you their priority and only has heart eyes for you. You should be treating them like royalty, and if you can’t do this…then maybe you’re not ready to love and commit to someone else.

You don’t love this person.

What I would have said

She was only fifteen when the simple thought of ending it crossed her mind. She sat in her room in the dark, cradled into a ball on her bed alone. That was the scariest and the most dangerous thing anyone could do, leave her alone in the darkness. The monsters in her head kept her awake all night, she couldn’t stop thinking. Thought after thought, memory after memory, her mind refused to rest until she was broken. Ending it was simple, quick, and easy. Having the guts to even do it, that was the hard part. There was no speck of hope that things would get better, her life was full of disappointments, attacks, darkness, and no hope. She was fighting a battle everyday and all she wanted was to surrender. She couldn’t take it anymore. She almost did it, but she survived.

If I had the chance to go back in time and talk to that angel, I’d tell her that everything got better. I’d tell her that she was stronger than she ever thought and that she could get through it. I would remind her of how beautiful she is and how the world would be lost without her. I’d tell her that if she went through with it she’d never get the chance to be in the lives of those that matter. I’d tell her that all the monsters went away and that the future is full of amazing opportunities, and amazing people that care for her.

I wish someone would have been there to tell me all that, then I might have won my battle earlier. I might have done something different, I might have never attempted it. No one told me though, no one was there for me, but with the help of God I was pulled out of that situation. I was saved. I guess all I really have to say is that it gets better, no matter how bad it is. I was on the fine line of almost doing it but I didn’t. When I finally put that thought to rest I never revisited it again, and I’m blessed because then I would never have gotten the chance to live the life I am living now. It gets better.
Take Care because I Care.

My biggest fear

There were days when I was so happy, I thought things were beginning to change and get better. Then something bad would happen to kill that joy. It was like life was saying, “Just kidding, life sucks.” I began to realize that nothing was too good to even be true, at any moment everything would fall apart, there was no reason to be happy if it was all going to end. So when days would come when I was so happy, I lowered my expectations and didn’t get my hopes up. I knew the happiness wouldn’t last.

Then, I overcame depression. Then, I let go of all the negative and irrelevent people in my life and began changing things for my benefit. Then, I met a boy that changed my life. I was surrounded by all these amazing people who I am proud to call my friends. Then, I began to change my attitude and behavior with my family. Things began to change and for the first time in seventeen years…I was actually happy.

I am so happy with life right now, and every now and then something small happens but the issue doesn’t stay long. Now that I am genuinely happy I don’t expect disappointment.I haven’t had a bad day in a long time. And if I do have a bad moment, it doesn’t affect me, it’s not a big deal, I am no longer suffering…
and that is my biggest fear… I am so happy and nothing is going wrong that I sooner or later something so bad is going to happen that it’s going to break me. I can’t even imagine what is coming to me. I don’t want to know what’s going to dominate my happiness this time and nothing scares me more than that, having all my happiness be taken away from me.
That is my biggest fear.

Two years 

It’s been two years since her heart was shattered into a million pieces. It’s been two years since she was broken and left to put herself back together. Two whole years she spent trying to put all the pieces back together from all the damage you caused her. She was already broken before you came along, you thought you could put her back together only for you to break her even more. Two whole years she spent lost in the world, believing that she was never good enough for anyone and believing that she never would be. Two years you left her questioning everything, her decisions, simple questions, people, and herself. Not only did you lose her trust, but you took her trust away from the rest of the world, she would never trust again. It’s been two years and you’re happy. And her? Well, let me tell you.
After two years she chose a different path that led her to a world full of nothing but new chances. She forgot about you, she stopped letting your mistake get to her, then …she met a boy. He came out of nowhere, unexpectedly, and at the right time. He made her happy, he started putting all the pieces back together, but there was one thing missing and he didn’t even realize it. She told him what you did, she told him what piece was missing and guess what? You didn’t win again. He stayed and he accepted her for it all. You lost.
But it’s been two years and you want to know what? She still can’t trust. For the longest time she realized that she could trust, but after he came along she realized she can’t trust him because you taught her that she can’t trust a boy that says they love her and want her forever. She gets scared when he does something as simple as put his arm around her. Every time he leans in to kiss her and pull her close she flinches. She can’t accept a simple compliment because you taught her that she wasn’t good enough nor worth waiting for. You made her think it was a forever thing, and now she can’t even see it that way with him. You ruined her. Your one mistake affected her whole future, how can you live with that? You’re happy and fine, you’re making your new girl the happiest in the whole world without a care of how you broke the last girl. She’s broken because of you. It’s been two years and it still affects her life.
Do you understand what you did to me? 

The anomaly

Everyone always leaves. I’ve learned that no matter how much effort I put into someone I never get the same in return, they act as if I expect so much from them but all I expect is for the to stay and accept me. Because I am so use to people leaving I wasn’t expecting him to stay, no I thought that he would stay quiet, get up, and leave, just like everyone else did. Through the years I learned that opening up to someone only scared them away, so I stopped opening up to people, no one ever cared or wanted to know, even if they said they really wanted too. That’s why I didn’t expect much from him after I told him my biggest secret,

But he stayed. He said that he could only love me more for having told him. He said it doesn’t change the way he feels about me. He said that he’s been praying to God to give him the perfect woman but instead he gave him a perfect angel.
I wanted to cry, for once someone wanted to stay with me, for once someone was afraid of losing me and didn’t let the past interfere. He listened to me, he accepted me, he didn’t leave… God heard my prayers and I’m finally being blessed for what I’ve done for others and the things I’ve been through. He is my blessing, and now that I put the worst behind us I can only focus on becoming the best for him.

He is the anomaly in my life, he is the one thing that went right.

What he did

I revisited an old memory that impacted my life very strongly, June 30th, 2014. This was the day that I found out my ex-boyfriend cheated on me and lied to me. It’s also the day that my best friend betrayed me. Words cannot express the depression I went through or how traumatic this was for me, and I think it’s so weird having the courage to even say that I’m glad it happened. I think that there is a point in your life when you are mature enough to admit that your past was a good thing, bad or good, because you ended up in such a better place when you thought that at that moment everything was over. I have learned that God always has a plan for you, whatever you are going through now, he has something a million times better waiting for you, you just have to seek God.

I cried myself to sleep for months, I thought that it was the end of everything and that I would never be happy again, but God’s plan was much bigger and better. I didn’t date after him, how could I? I was impacted badly. I decided to work on myself instead and do everything in my power to become a better person. I learned to live without a boy or friends, and believe me, it is possible. When I needed my best friend the most, she wasn’t there for me because she betrayed me, I had no one. My sister and I didn’t get along, I wasn’t close to my mom, I seeked happiness alone.

And guess what? I found my pot at the end of the rainbow. I came out of the deepest, darkest, and most depressing hole ever, and I saw light. I didn’t pull myself out though, when I began asking God for help he pulled me out himself. Through my whole journey, God was there, the only problem was that I wasn’t listening to him, I wasn’t going to him and asking for forgiveness, guidance, or support. I thought I was on my own. I acted as if I could control everything on my own and create my own paths, and that’s where I was wrong. I was doing everything my way, creating my own paths, and all along I was ignoring the path that God had planned for me. If I would have continued in his path earlier, I wouldn’t have been so lost, so lonely, sad, and confused. I would have felt exactly how I feel now if I would have gone in his path. Happy and relieved.

I can’t remember what it felt like to be depressed, hopeless, and alone. I can’t remember what it was like to feel the betrayal and heartbreak I felt on June 30th, 2014 and the months after. It’s all a blur to me. When I began seeking God and walking in his path things began to change. I was blessed with such a beautiful youth group, with pastors and leaders that care about me. Friends that are like brothers and sisters, people I cannot imagine my life without. I can’t remember what it was like to be the old me.

June 30th will always be a part of my life, but the dark times are over. Now I strive to become a better person and fix my mistakes from the past. Nothing lasts forever, especially the bad days. We all have bad days, and if you think you’re having a bad day just remember that someone somewhere else is having a worse day than you. Just keep your head up and pray about it, things can only get better from there.