I’m right back where I started. I thought everything was perfect for once, but I was wrong. Being a good person has its advantages, but it also has its downsides. Being nice gives you the chance to be taken advantage of more, and people abuse this trait too much. I’m a victim of it. I’ve done favors for people who don’t even say hi or acknowledge me, once they got what they wanted they were out the door and we went back to being the strangers we were. But nothing sucks more than being too nice to friends that don’t care about you. My friends hid a vodka bottle under my bed some weeks ago, I never drank out of that bottle, I didn’t even have anything to do with that day, I was passed out. My mom found the bottle, and because I am a nice person I took the blame for it, I protected my “friends” so they wouldn’t get in trouble. I risked my whole future and all my dreams. I gave up going to NYC this summer, Europe next spring break, everything for a group of friends that don’t even ask how I am doing because they’re just happy I didn’t snitch on them. They complain that I don’t tell them anything or open up to them about my problems, but I’m not going to beg for their friendship, if they’re really my friends and actually care about me they will come and check if I’m okay, not wait for me to beg for their comfort. They know I’m depressed and upset, I don’t have to keep reminding them.
My mom was disapointed, and I haven’t seen her so hurt and upset since the day she found out about the suicide attempt. Her relationship and mine got better, it improved so much since then and it killed me to know how badly she was hurting, and it’s all because I’m taking the blame for something I wasn’t involved with. That bottle was not mine, I didn’t drink out of it, nor was I there to take part, but I’m the one facing the consequences. I’m jeapordizing my bright future for being a good person, and I worked way too hard for all this to just be thrown away.
I’ve been so upset this past week and I don’t like admitting that to you guys because I keep telling you guys it gets better and that I’m better. I’m giving you all this advice and help because I want to help you guys, but I can’t help myself. You are all my inspiration, your emails and comments mean something to me and bring joy to my everyday life. This is my comfort zone, with you guys, and I you should all know that I’m still fighting hard with you guys, cause eventually it gets better, but once it’s better it gets harder, but you will be physically and mentally prepared for any challenge. I’m a very sensitive person, and when I get treated a certain way now, I get a flashback to a time it happened in the past and I break down, because I can’t get those memories out of my head. I’m staying strong though, because my past helped me and shaped me into who I am today, and I learned from that..
Take Care because I care. Don’t let go, keep fighting. I’m with you.