Competition

How do you compete with someone who takes the attention away from you. It might sound cocky but I do want attention, I want the attention of the only person on earth who’s attention matters to me. But how do I do that? I can’t compete with these other girls, I’m not what he dreams he could have, because I am me. He wants something more than me.

I’m not the type of girl a random Twitter account will post a picture of and say that I’m “slaying” or that I’m so perfect. I’m not the girls that you’ll see pictures of showing her boobs or butt and everyone talking about how great they are on those “iloveboobsdaily” accounts on Twitter, that were probably made by a middle school boy who probably doesn’t even know how to talk to a girl. My point is, how do you get the attention of the person you want when you’re just plain old you? There’s nothing great about me, physically and I know that. My freshman little sister is prettier than me, and has a better body than me, I know, I get reminded all the time. So why would anyone go for me? Why am I kidding myself?

The thing about us girls, the girls that keep to themselves, are so insecure, read books, are smart, and care about other things and avoid relationships is because we know. We are smart enough to know what happens with getting our hopes up. We know that there are girls out there that have more to offer, girls that say yes to pleasing you because they don’t care, we know that you want someone to just be that for you. We know you don’t want us. Because, we read books instead of wanting to party, we drink tea and coffee over alcohol, we fill our minds with knowledge instead of drugs, we will cook for you instead of making you buy us food, we like old fashion relationships instead of just having sex, we want something real and you just want someone who will give you what you want the second you ask. How do you compete with that? It really bugs me. 

Do you ever go somewhere public like the fair, an amusement park, the mall, downtown or even to a local McDoanlds? Then you see a guy and you just hope he notices you, even if he’s a complete stranger because then it’ll make you feel good about yourself? But he doesn’t? Instead he checks out some girl walking behind you, that’s showing what more she has to offer than you? It’s ridiculous, it really is. I don’t want to compete anymore against the girls who are better than me, if I’m not enough for him then I won’t fight for his attention anymore. I’m not what he wants, okay. I’ll just keep to myself again. 

Hopelessly Devoted

Isn’t it ironic how your best friend is supposed to be the one to treat you better than everyone else, respect you, and have a better relationship with you, but then ends up being like every other guy or girl? 

But regardless, you look for every reason to grasp onto that hope, the very little hope you have, to still want to be with them? Yet everytime they do something that gives you a reason to give up, you still hold on? It’s so stupid and it makes me mad. 

Falling in love with your best friend is inevitable. But I won’t deny that it won’t happen because, at some point you’re going to look at them and realize that they are everything to you. You’re going to realize how perfect they are, because within the time that you two have been best friends you’ve become comfortable with each other and seen past all their flaws and insecurities. You both know each other inside and out, you’re family likes them and theirs like you. Everything is just supposed to work out for the two of you… But it doesn’t.

I’m mad because I’m hopelessly devoted to him. No matter what he puts me through I won’t back away, and it really sucks. I expected that as my best friend he’d treat me differently because we know each other so well, but I realized, that is not the case. I forgot that we live in a messed generation that doesn’t know the meaning of love. I forgot that because he’s my best friend, it won’t stop him from being the same guy I’ve always known. The only reason I give in and put up with whatever he puts me through is because I fell for him, and I fear that if I fight back he’ll back away and not fight for me. I fear that I will push him away and never even make things work.

But he’s my best friend, it’s not supposed to be that way. He’s not supposed to back away, he’s not supposed to treat me the way he does, but he does it anyway. And because I’m so stupidly head over heels for him I won’t say anything. I don’t know what we are, or how he feels, it’s so confusing, but I know how I feel. And because I know how I feel I’m loyal as heck, I give him all my attention and time, all my everything and I hate myself for it because I’m the stupid one.

If you find yourself giving your everything to someone and they are not giving you anything in return, except empty inboxes, weeks without seeing each other, endless piles of cancelations, ditching you, or being rude as hell respect yourself enough to walk away because honey, we all deserve better than that. Do not keep wasting your time on someone who doesn’t know what they want while you do know. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. And even if he or she is your best friend, tell them how you feel and put a stop to the bad treatment cause as your best friend they should treat you better than they do. I’m going to do it, so I want you all to do it because like I’ve said before we’re all in this together. 

I love you guys, and you’re all wonderful people and definitely deserve better than what you’re having to put up with. Take care because I care. 

Infinite apologies.

I shouldn’t be apologizing. But I am going to anyways because I just want to get it all off my chest.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I am not the greatest person in this world.
I’m sorry that I procrastinate, and leave most things until last minute.
I’m sorry that I get distracted so easily and forget to text back or do something.
I’m sorry that I forget little or major things, like birthdays, small promises, certain situations, just little things.
I’m sorry that I go into other worlds sometimes, and that I have to ask you to repeat what you said.

I am sorry that my mood changes constantly. That when I’m happy I am too happy, and might become annoying. Or when I’m sad that I’m so sad I seem distant, or pushy.
I’m sorry that I don’t express myelf the best.
I’m sorry that I don’t trust you and have a hard time accepting compliments.
I’m sorry that I take critism a little to hard sometimes.
I’m sorry that sometimes I might spill my whole life story to you, even if you aren’t interested or if it even matters.

I’m sorry that I’m so picky when it comes to food.
I’m sorry that I never know what I want, or even never like to choose.
I’m sorry that I don’t accept gifts, I always feel like I don’t deserve them.
I’m sorry if you think I expect so much from you.
I’m sorry if I am so difficult.

I’m sorry that I’m not what you want, or what anyone wants.
I’m sorry that I don’t have the flattest stomach, biggest butt, or biggest boobs.
I’m sorry that I have such a big nose, chicken legs, big ears, and uneven eyebrows.
I’m sorry I don’t have the best hair in the whole world, or the brightest eyes, or bigges smile.
I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t know how to do makeup.

I’m sorry that I push people away.
I’m sorry that I like to be alone at times.
I’m sorry if I want you to care, even after I told you not to.
I’m sorry if I blame you for everything.
I’m sorry if I don’t like to talk about problems verbally.

I’m sorry that I’m always scared.
I’m sorry that I think so realistically.
I’m sorry that I’m so open-minded yet so sarcastic at times.
I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t even make sense or speak with reason.
I’m sorry that I talk about the past a lot.

I’m sorry that I complain a lot and get annoyed very easily.
I’m sorry that sometimes I like to listen to Elvis, other times to the weekend, and other times to whatever is in between.
I’m sorry that I care for people so much even though they still don’t appreciate it.
I’m sorry I’m not the smartest person in this world.
I’m sorry that I’m not the best with money.

I’m sorry that…

It’s weird.

Stop whatever you are doing. Close your eyes. Breath and do not move, don’t think.
Do you hear that? “This is your heart it’s alive [and] It’s pumping blood.” You are alive. Now breath in, deeply. You smell that? It’s the world you live in, it’s life. Now open your eyes back up, art and life is all around you. Now continue on with your day, because you are alive. Regardless of what you are going through, what happened in your past, or what your future may have in store for you, you are still alive. You are proof that human existence is real and that it works. You are proof that even though bad things happen, you can keep going. You made it this far. Why stop now?

Life is weird sometimes you know, and maybe it won’t ever make sense but what do we know about anything? Sometimes I wish I would have grown up with a better relationship between my mom and I. I wish that I would have never gone with the crowd in middle school. I wish that some of the decision I made, I never even thought of. I wish I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my time and money on the wrong people, that I would have stood up for myself and never let anything get to me. When I think about it, I spent 80% of my teenage life locked in my room, dark, and alone. But I am proof of life, that even though bad things happen, I am still alive. That proves that I am strong, and I want you all to feel the same way. You impact someone else’s life. You impact me, you guys read my posts and connect to me. We’re virtually connected and if you decide to give up, I lose you. We’re like a family, and that’s important. I don’t want to lose family.

It’s funny how we let negativity affect us, and in return we let it win. We cannot let it keep winning because it will take over our life, and we don’t want that. We want to be in charge of it… The weird thing is that even this applies to those that cause the negativity. It’s like a cycle that began who know when and with who.

We are life proof. We need to keep proving that we are full of life and that we are in control.

I love you guys. Take Care because I care.

The unexplainable idea of life.

If there is one thing I’ve learned about life, it’s that it’s an ongoing cycle of ups and downs. It might sound a little cliche, but honestly, life is like a long roller coaster ride with an end and a beginning.

Honestly life sucks. It might be a little blunt but it’s true. Life sucks and it is very unfair at times. I once quoted a tweet from twitter, “I thought life was unfair until someone said, ‘Life is fair because it is unfair to everyone.” We constantly argue with life, God, destiny, the stars, or whatever about how they are doing everything wrong for us. We complain that we don’t deserve what we’re getting, and that we never get what we want. Do we really deserve it though? What good did we do to deserve it or get what we wanted? Is what we want even worth it sometimes? Life is so unexplainable, but it’s such a fun and interesting topic to talk about with open-minded people.

Throughout the last semester of my Junior year, never did I once study for a test or quiz. I winged every single test hoping that what I would pass with the little knowledge I had. I know I’m smart, and I always felt like studying was never necessary, and I just assumed I’d get that A. I was way too confident. I would spend my extra time on my bed, on twitter, letting life pass by, watching TV or doing wasteful things. When I’d get my tests back my grades were typically B’s or C’s, but I wanted A’s. I blamed life and God for not being there for me to help me out you know? Like they were going to give me the answers.. Then I realized that I did deserve the grades I got because it was my fault, I blamed other things instead of blaming the real reason. Once I stopped doing that and started calling myself out on my own failures, did I begin to live a more positive life. I stopped blaming everything around me, and I think that’s something everyone should start doing. Instead of blaming everyone else for your problems, take a look at the real reason and at yourself first before getting mad and blaming everyone and everything else.

Happiness starts with you. You cannot be happy unless you are content with how your life is. And the way your life is, is not determines by everyone around you, it is determined within, by you. If you’re not happy with your friends do yourself the favor and stop surrounding yourself in their enviornment, that for whatever reason makes you uncomfortable. Surround yourself in your own comfortable enviornment. I use to be surrounded by  people who use to just love to party every weekend, drink, and smoke, get arrested, get pregnant, just a bad enviornment. I realized I did not want that life, I hated seeing everyone around me so happy, it made me so mad because I wanted to be them and again I blamed God, I blamed life, my family, I even blamed my cat sometimes. It wasn’t until I started seeking my own hapiness that things did change. I started going to a new youth group, at a different church, a different religion. Of course my Catholic parents weren’t so happy that it was a Christian church, but they knew that I was old enough to make my decisions and if it made me a better person they were all in for it. I made new friendships and I acted myself around them. I didn’t act how they expected me to act or wanted me to act. I acted like Karen, the happy Karen. Things changed after that, I created my own enviornment and I stopped being mad and hating everyone and everything. I stopped putting the blame on someone else, and instead I just started appreciating it and thanking everything.

Sometimes that happiness doesn’t always last you know? But that’s because life wants to challenge you, and all you have to do is look it straight in the eye and say “Try me.” All the negative obstacles are the enemy trying to bring you down again, but you have to stand your ground. Bad days are inevtiable, good days are too, but you’re always going to have them, and we have to learn that it is a part of life. We can’t avoid them, and we have to remember that it’s not unfair, because everyone else gets bad days too. We have to get through it, but we shouldn’t let it get the best of us. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to get mad, but don’t blame anyone don’t even blame yourself. Let it happen, learn from it, but do not let it get to you. We are all fighters and the enemy will always be there to bring us down when it see’s us doing good, but we cannot let it break us, not again.

I hope you are all doing great, thank you to the ones that inspired this post. I love you all. Take Care Because I care.

14

There are only fourteen days until my Junior year is officially over, and I am so excited. So much has been happening, making me very busy. So much overdue homework to do, projects or essays to turn in, finals to begin preparing for, work, social life, etc. I haven’t managed to fit blogging into my schedule at all and that makes me very upset because I don’t like to dissapoint, and like I’ve said before this is a priority in my life. It’s just difficult with pre-senioritis and finals.

I’ve started blogs, that have turned into drafts, and have been left there because I no longer am inspired to finish them. I have some free time and during that time I decide to write, but I never know what to write about. So, with that being said I am going to ask for you’re guys’ input.

What do you guys want to hear me talk about? Many of you have inspired my posts in the past and it’s fun helping you out. So this week I am asking for you guys to send me any ideas, questions, or concerns you guys would like me to talk about. You guys can tweet them to me, email me anything, or ask me questions on my ‘Ask’ account, and I’ll write something out for you. I love you all, take care because I care.

Twitter: @KareBear_1116
Email: karenmarie.ramos16@gmail.com
Ask: @KareBear_1116

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Words.

“The best books, they don’t talk about things you never thought about before. They talked about things you’d always thought about, but that you didn’t think anyone else had thought about. You read them, and suddenly you’re a little bit less alone in the world. You’re part of this cosmic community of people who’ve thought about this thing, whatever it happens to be.”  – Tommy Wallach, We All Looked Up. 


I bought this book the other day, and the reasons being were because I really liked the cover, cause you have to admit it’s a pretty cool cover, and because the summary reminded me of The Breakfast Club. Once I got into reading it, I realized it is nothing closely similar to The Breakfast Club, but this book was great, I definitely recommend it.

When I first started this blog I had it on private. To me it would serve primarily as a journal, not as anything else. Then after going public and seeing that so many of you could relate to my situation I changed my perspective. I read your blogs, I was inspired by them. I became inspired from books, quotes, poetic tweets, and that’s when I realized, we are connected through words. I wasn’t so sure how that worked exactly, and it wasn’t until I read this book that I finally realized it. Like Tommy Wallach says, “Books…talked about things you’d always thought about…that you didn’t think anyone else had thought about before…and suddenly you’re a little bit less alone in the world.” Our excuse for not opening up is that no one will ever understand us, and that might be true but we’re all fighting a battle in our lives and whether we udnerstand or not we still listen. Someone, somewhere is fighting a battle similar to yours and that’s what connects two people in this world. Those of you who have related in some way, shape, or form to my life are connected to me and I am connected to you. We help each other put certain situations we cannot explain nor define into words. We all have different perspectives or definitions of certain things but we all relate. This is why I love blogging because someone understands me, and if you feel as if no one understand you, you’re wrong. Someone feels the same way as you, they just might not know how to put it into words. We’re like this family that was put together through the words. I love you all.