Love is meaningless.

Boys, Girls, and relationships these days are so fake and it really makes me mad.

Why is cheating a thing? If you’re going to cheat, than why the heck did you date that person in the first place? You committed to being with that person, and if you know you won’t commit, then why get in into that relationship in the first place?

Why do boys act like prince charming the first couple weeks you talk, the first couple months you date, but then turn into complete assholes after that time that they have you? The only way you will keep your girl, is if you treat her like you’re still trying to win her.

Why are girls stupid? Why do we chase the boys who won’t give us a chance, or play with our feelings, when we can go to the boys that we would kill themselves if they ever hurt us?

Why do we chase the wrong people? Why don’t we date the person we know is down for us, the person that knows us more than we know ourselves, has always been there for us, gotten us back on our feet, made us laugh, or feel wanted? I’m sure that if we stopped listening to what others think and went for the right person things would definately work out.

Why do we complicate things nowadays and make up excuses for everything? Seriously love isn’t even real anymore. Why do people tell each other they love each other when they barely started dating and barely met a week ago? Love is a strong word, just like the word hate. Why do we let it go when we don’t even mean it? What happened to dating before committing to a relationship? Getting to know each other fully, first?

I don’t know the meaning of love nor have I ever been in love or loved, but I can tell you that the way we express it in this generation, it shouldn’t even be considered love. I consider it nothing.

Nothing makes me madder than seeing boys, girls, or couples who have the wrong meaning of that word. What happened to boys being gentleman, what happened to girls who were ladies and had self-respect? What happened to the real meaning of love?

Being loved.

What does it feel like to be loved? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone would ever fall in love with me, but I always wonder…

What does it feel like to be with someone, who thinks of you when the simple sound of a song comes on?
Looks at you and realizeS how perfect you are, while you eat a slice of pizza?
Dies to look at your smile or listen to your laugh?
Craves your hugs, and kisses.
Wishes they could hold you in their arms every second of every day.
When they see you from a distance, and they tell those around them “that’s my girl.”

What does it feel like for someone to feel like their whole world is nothing without you. To have someone who will do the sweetest yet simplest things for you, or treat you like their queen. Someone who is willing to wait to make love to you, not have sex, but to make love to you.  For someone to takethe time to get to know you, not general details but deeply connects with you.

To have someone that will dance with you in the rain, and sing to you when you’re at your highest and lowest points. Someone that will know how to answer the question, Why do you love her? and have so much to say. Someone who is prepared to put up with you and love you the most at those moments. To have someone who prefers the natural you, but still likes the dressed up you. Someone that knows exactly how you like your coffee, or how you order your food. Someone that knows all your little habits and movements.

What does it feel like to be in love with someone in general?

It’s a cycle.

There are many reasons to cry, but I  think the worst reason to cry is when you have so much anger or darkness built inside you that the tears come out like an erupting volcanoe. I’m trying the best I can to cope with my feelings and life. I’ve been doing so great and I still am, but I have all this anger left inside me still, that it’s getting ready to erupt any day now. I don’t know when that day will be but if I keep putting up with the everyone’s crap it’s bound to be soon.

I don’t understand what is going on though. Where did I go wrong? I feel like my life is a cycle repeating the same story over and over. One moment I’m depressed, then I’m working on becoming better, and once I’m doing fine, I get knocked down right back into the depression stage until it continuously repeats itself again. What is it going to take to get over this? I’m tired of running away, isolating myself, crying, feeling alone, worthless, and shitty. I’m tired of everyone in this town and trying. Why won’t I ever be good enough? At least for one person.

This is who I am.

I am pretty. Smart. I have school spirit. I enjoy watching sports. I am proud of my heritage. I am a realxed person. I have a deep mind. I like books and coffe. I like to watch the moon and stars at night. I like classic.

I am depression. Anxiety. Anger. Stress. Paranoia.    I am no one.

I’m smart, but the nerds won’t accept me because I am Mexican.
I’m Mexican. I like Mexican parties, music, traditions, and food, but Hispanics won’t accept me becasuse I don’t drink or act 100% Mexican.
I am a proud fan of our schools athletic teams. I have school Spirit, but the jocks won’t accept me because I am not athletic or pay attention to real leagues on TV.
I am chill. I like to drink coffee, with a good book, in a place with a great atmosphere. I like the classics and art, but artists and musicians won’t accept me because I’m no actress or musician, writer nor poet.
I am a Catholic, but the church people are quick to judge,
I am pretty, but I don’t meet boys expectations.

I’m different because I enjoy many things.s I am original, but I’m still not wanted, anywhere. So where do I belong? According to everyone.

No where.

My thoughts are deeper than the ocean, and I drown in them everyday. As I come back up to the surface to grasp for air, the night mare is over, but depression drowns me back to the bottom of the unknown dangers of the deep sea. I want to open my mouth and scream but if I do, I know I will die. So whether I like it or not, whether things get better or not, even though things are great right now they won’t be later, I am who I am. I am not accepted nor wanted but I have to deal with it because there is a little bit of hope. I am fine right now, I am happy, but just because someone with depression has a good day or week doesn’t mean they’re not depressed anymore, the day is still grey but without any rain.

I am depression.

Self worth.

I just sat there and looked around. Most of these people are smarter than me, way smarter. I looked behind me and I saw someone who’s presence surprised me. That’s when I realized, I’m the 55th smartest person in my whole class. I realized, I’m smarter than 3/4’s of the people in the cafeteria right now, and that’s when all my stress went away. I calmed down and took my test with no worries. I always thought Standardized Tests were a big deal, but when I realized that my score would be higher than others, it lifted up that weight on my shoulder. Isn’t this how we should feel about ourselve’s everyday? Instead of comparing yourself to others to put yourself down, why not compare yourselfs to others to boost your confindence? I don’t mean that you specifically have to judge others and put them down because that will only make you look bad. Don’t allow yourself to believe others judgements against you, their opinion doesn’t count. You are responsible for your own happiness, so if you let yourself believe and fall for everyone else’s negativity you will become those lies. You’re a beautiful human being, be your own person, you are truely amazing, and someone out there believes the same thing.

People who judge and have negative attitudes are either jealous of you or others and are insecure about themselves, so don’t stress it.

I wish I was..

“I wish that I was Her. The Her that finishes your sentences with a smile, and leave your words breathless. The Her that you describe to others, or the Her that makes your heart swell with lovely thoughts.

I wish I was She. The She that circulates your mind from dawn to dark and the She that leave yous sleepless at night. I was I was She, the She that makes your eyes light up, and the She that you speak of so tenderly.
Oh how I wish I was this person to you, because you are my Him and you are my He, but I am not your Her, nor am I your She.”

- Julie Martinez

We’re all in this together

I posted about my favorite quote the other day, I thought life was unfair until someone said “Life is fair because it is unfair to everyone” and lately I’ve been thinking over some things and saw much more beyond that point. You live and you learn, and you continue to live, so why stress about one thing 24/7. Why let that one thing ruin you or get the best of you if it won’t matter in the future? You’re not the only one having a bad day, someone, somewhere is having a bad day or maybe a worse day than you. Always be thankful because it could be worse, and you should be lucky as hell that it’s not. You never know what tomorrow will bring, it might even be the best day ever.

Another quote that has inspired me says that, If you are depressed you are living in the past, If you are anxious you are living in the future, but if you are at peaec you are living in the present. This is how I see it: We need to let go of the past because we no longer live there. What happened then can’t be changed now, unless you become a genious and create a time machine, but until then we can’t change what happened in the past, but we shouldn’t let it tell us who to be. We can be whoever and/or whatever we want to be. Our past does not define us, it just shaped us into the person we want to be. It’s not meant to break us, it’s meant to make us stronger and more confident. Why worry about the future now? You never know when your last day is, so you have to live in the present. Don’t stress about something that won’t matter in the future. Don’t let anything stress you that you won’t remember. Worry about those things when it becomes the present. Don’t argue with your parents about next summer plans, worry about seeing them today, that they’re healthy and everything is fine. Even if you and your parents don’t get along like me and mine, still cherish that moment because you don’t know what tomorrow brings. No one does.

If you’re sitting there wondering, Why doesn’t he/she like me? Or you’re just judging yourself STOP. I am in that situation myself right now and let me tell you, it sucks ass. It sucks liking someone so much who doesn’t even take a second to think or worry about you. It sucks when you put so much effort into someone who doesn’t even appreciate it. IT SUCKS, I KNOW. But we can’t let it get to us, and I know it’s hard. We need to learn to stop saying sorry because we know they should be the sorry ones not us. Why should we be sorry? For caring so much about someone and worrying about them? Yeah that’s not how it should be. Why do we give infinity chances to someone who won’t even give us one? We also need to stop that. We need to work together so that we can think like this quote: “When you see me, I want you to recognize what you had, what you’ve losr, and realize what you’re never getting back.” That is our main goal. We need to stop being hopeless romantics and let love become the least of our worries, we’re in this together and we are a team, I am your team. I love you all, and I think that’s all the love you need in your lives right now. Next time that “someone” messages or calls you saying something like I miss you or if you want to hang out, or whatever the case is, defend yourself. Say no, and don’t say sorry. We need to learn to live without these people, so acting like we no longer care or are interested might make them realize it. But by the time they realize we’ll be happier and doing better. Don’t be afraid to say anything, you’re not gonna die for defending yourself, maybe in 10 years this person might not even be relevant or we won’t even rememeber what we argued with them about. You are a good person, don’t think that because this person doesn’t want you, you are horrible and worthless because I think you are all wonderful people! I need to stop putting myself down as well, and I will if you guys do as well.