It’s a cycle.

There are many reasons to cry, but I  think the worst reason to cry is when you have so much anger or darkness built inside you that the tears come out like an erupting volcanoe. I’m trying the best I can to cope with my feelings and life. I’ve been doing so great and I still am, but I have all this anger left inside me still, that it’s getting ready to erupt any day now. I don’t know when that day will be but if I keep putting up with the everyone’s crap it’s bound to be soon.

I don’t understand what is going on though. Where did I go wrong? I feel like my life is a cycle repeating the same story over and over. One moment I’m depressed, then I’m working on becoming better, and once I’m doing fine, I get knocked down right back into the depression stage until it continuously repeats itself again. What is it going to take to get over this? I’m tired of running away, isolating myself, crying, feeling alone, worthless, and shitty. I’m tired of everyone in this town and trying. Why won’t I ever be good enough? At least for one person.

This is who I am.

I am pretty. Smart. I have school spirit. I enjoy watching sports. I am proud of my heritage. I am a realxed person. I have a deep mind. I like books and coffe. I like to watch the moon and stars at night. I like classic.

I am depression. Anxiety. Anger. Stress. Paranoia.    I am no one.

I’m smart, but the nerds won’t accept me because I am Mexican.
I’m Mexican. I like Mexican parties, music, traditions, and food, but Hispanics won’t accept me becasuse I don’t drink or act 100% Mexican.
I am a proud fan of our schools athletic teams. I have school Spirit, but the jocks won’t accept me because I am not athletic or pay attention to real leagues on TV.
I am chill. I like to drink coffee, with a good book, in a place with a great atmosphere. I like the classics and art, but artists and musicians won’t accept me because I’m no actress or musician, writer nor poet.
I am a Catholic, but the church people are quick to judge,
I am pretty, but I don’t meet boys expectations.

I’m different because I enjoy many things.s I am original, but I’m still not wanted, anywhere. So where do I belong? According to everyone.

No where.

My thoughts are deeper than the ocean, and I drown in them everyday. As I come back up to the surface to grasp for air, the night mare is over, but depression drowns me back to the bottom of the unknown dangers of the deep sea. I want to open my mouth and scream but if I do, I know I will die. So whether I like it or not, whether things get better or not, even though things are great right now they won’t be later, I am who I am. I am not accepted nor wanted but I have to deal with it because there is a little bit of hope. I am fine right now, I am happy, but just because someone with depression has a good day or week doesn’t mean they’re not depressed anymore, the day is still grey but without any rain.

I am depression.

Self worth.

I just sat there and looked around. Most of these people are smarter than me, way smarter. I looked behind me and I saw someone who’s presence surprised me. That’s when I realized, I’m the 55th smartest person in my whole class. I realized, I’m smarter than 3/4’s of the people in the cafeteria right now, and that’s when all my stress went away. I calmed down and took my test with no worries. I always thought Standardized Tests were a big deal, but when I realized that my score would be higher than others, it lifted up that weight on my shoulder. Isn’t this how we should feel about ourselve’s everyday? Instead of comparing yourself to others to put yourself down, why not compare yourselfs to others to boost your confindence? I don’t mean that you specifically have to judge others and put them down because that will only make you look bad. Don’t allow yourself to believe others judgements against you, their opinion doesn’t count. You are responsible for your own happiness, so if you let yourself believe and fall for everyone else’s negativity you will become those lies. You’re a beautiful human being, be your own person, you are truely amazing, and someone out there believes the same thing.

People who judge and have negative attitudes are either jealous of you or others and are insecure about themselves, so don’t stress it.

I wish I was..

“I wish that I was Her. The Her that finishes your sentences with a smile, and leave your words breathless. The Her that youdescrive to others, ot the Her that makes your heart swell with lovely thoughts.

I wish I was She. The She that circulates your mind from dawn to dus and the She that leave yous sleepless at night. I was I was She, the She that makes your eyes light up, and the She that you speak of so tenderly.
Oh how I wish I was this person to you, because you are my Him and you are my He, but I am not your Her, notr am I your She.”

- Julie Martinez

We’re all in this together

I posted about my favorite quote the other day, I thought life was unfair until someone said “Life is fair because it is unfair to everyone” and lately I’ve been thinking over some things and saw much more beyond that point. You live and you learn, and you continue to live, so why stress about one thing 24/7. Why let that one thing ruin you or get the best of you if it won’t matter in the future? You’re not the only one having a bad day, someone, somewhere is having a bad day or maybe a worse day than you. Always be thankful because it could be worse, and you should be lucky as hell that it’s not. You never know what tomorrow will bring, it might even be the best day ever.

Another quote that has inspired me says that, If you are depressed you are living in the past, If you are anxious you are living in the future, but if you are at peaec you are living in the present. This is how I see it: We need to let go of the past because we no longer live there. What happened then can’t be changed now, unless you become a genious and create a time machine, but until then we can’t change what happened in the past, but we shouldn’t let it tell us who to be. We can be whoever and/or whatever we want to be. Our past doesn not define us, it just shaped us into the person we want to be. It’s not mean to break us, it’s meant to make us stronger and more confident. Why worry about the future now? You never know when your last day is, so you have to live in the present. Don’t stress about something that won’t matter in the future. Don’t let anything stress you that you won’t remember about. Worry about those things when it becomes the present. Don’t argue with your parents about next summer plans, worry about seeing them today, that they’re healthy and everything is fine. Even if you and your parents don’t get along like me and mine, still cherish that moment because you don’t know what tomorrow brings. No one does.

If you’re sitting there wondering, Why doesn’t he/she like me? Or you’re just judging yourself STOP. I am in that situation myself right now and let me tell you, it sucks ass. It sucks liking someone so much who doesn’t even take a second to think or worry about you. It sucks when you put so much effort into someone who doesn’t even appreciate it. IT SUCKS, I KNOW. But we can’t let it get to us, and I know it’s hard. We need to learn to stop saying sorry because we know they should be the sorry ones not us. Why should we be sorry? For caring so much about someone and worrying about them? Yeah that’s not how it should be. Why do we give infinity chances to someone who won’t even give us one? We also need to stop that. We need to work together so that we can think like this quote: “When you see me, I want you to recognize what you had, what you’ve losr, and realize what you’re never getting back.” That is our main goal. We need to stop being hopeless romantics and let love become the last of our worries, we’re in this together and we are a team, I am your team. I love you all, and I think that’s all the love you need in your lives right now. Next time that someone messages or calls you saying something like I miss you or if you want to hang out, or whatever the case it, defend yourself. Say no, and don’t say sorry. We need to learn to live without these people, so acting like we no longer care or are interested might make them realize it. But by the time they realize we’ll be happier and doing better. Don’t be afraid to say anything, you’re not gonna die for defending yourself, maybe in 10 years this person might not even be relevant or we won’t even rememeber what we argued with them about. You are a good person, don’t think that because this person doesn’t want you you are horrible and worthless because I think you are all wonderful people! I need to stop putting myself down as well, and I will if you guys do as well.

Realize I didn’t write in 2nd person or  about myself, I wrote in “WE” form because we are in this fight together, and I will be here every step of the way with you guys. I have your back, and you can always trust me. I love you all, and have a wonderful day. If you’re having a bad day don’t worry so am I! But it will get better I promise. Take Care because I care. <3

Today I got told to kill myself. It’s not the first time I get told this, and I know you guys are going to be disapointed but I broke down today. I let it get to me and cried my eyes out. I don’t know what it is about me that everyone seems to disagree with, but everyone seems to think I’m a misfit. I’m not good enough because I don’t meet anyones expectations or because everyone is so quick to judge or believe what they hear that they don’t give me an equal chance. I am starting to officially believe this because if I was good enough, boys wouldn’t tell me I’m ugly or compare me to other girls. They wouldn’t ignore me or refuse to become my friend, but they do. To everyone my life is either perfect or a complete secret. No one is interested in me and it honestly makes me mad because I put 110% of myself into making sure that others are happy even though I’m not. My crush? Yeah screw him because he’s one of those people that makes me hate myself. My ex as well, even every boy who has judged me and/or made fun of me because I am not good enough.

A complete stranger I do not know messaged me on FB and I believe he follows my blog, I’m unsure, but he messaged me and told me that he hopes I never change the way I am or the way I think. He says there needs to be more people like me. I told him I apprectiated hearing that because everyone else says I’m not like anyone else and that’s a bad thing, that I need to be like everyone else or I’d be better off dead. No one pays attention to me or cares how I feel or think. But this guy told me that even though 99.9% of people are the ones that put me down, the .1% that are still there should be the only ones I should pay attention to because they see me for who I really am while others won’t ever bother. I don’t remember where I was going with this but they point is that I’m depressed and hungry tonight, but I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day and I’ll get back up on my feet.

I love you all and don’t give up! I’m fighting with you. Take Care because I care <3

Realizing when things have officially changed.

You know you have changed and things are different when you handle situations more maturely. When you defend yourself and speak for yourself, and say what you believe. You know you have changed when people tell you you’re different, because you use to be quieter and now you’re more open and speak.

Lately I have been going off on people. If you say or do something really stupid I confront you about it and I am no longer scared about it. If you offend me or judge me I talk back and protect myself, I laugh at my mistakes, and I’m literally learning to accept things the way they are. Last night my ex texted me, and I didn’t ignore him nor did I give him an attitude. He asked me how I was doing and that he needed me to give something back. I responded by telling him I was great, that I agreed to give it back, in fact I even asked him how he was doing and how him and his new girlfriend were doing.

I think the best way to avoid situations that will turn your smile upside down is to handle them maturely. I think if you don’t the only one that will look bad is yourself. I’ve made that mistake a lot of times that I now realized that I looked like the crazy one in the relationship or just the crazy person in general. If you don’t care about a certain person or situation than deal with the situation and end it there. Period. Don’t let the situation carry on by telling all your friends or going off on the person or whatever. Handle the situation as maturely as you can and if it does get to the point where they’re saying something stupid you have every right to go off and defend yourself, but to the most mature extent that you can. That’s all loves.

Take Care because I care <3