Please try to understand.

Yesterday I came home for a while to get my things. No one was home. I walked up to my room and packed what I knew I needed. Chargers, school stuff, clothes, makeup, hair stuff, bathroom stuff, blankets, shoes, and other important things I needed. All together I had about three full bags. I was set and ready. I went outside and hid my bags under a tree for when I left officially that night. I went back to my house and made something to eat, that’s when my mom and sister came in. I said hi to my sister and baby brother like I normally would, but I ignored my mom. I went upstairs to my room to shower and get any last minute things I could think of. My mom came upstairs and gave me her phone, she said it was my old job calling again. She was mad, she told me to answer and tell them to stop calling. I asked her nicely and politely to leave my room, after asking four times she stepped out but didn’t walk away. “I’m not in your room anymore, now answer the damn phone.” I asked her to walk away, and my sister came in. She told me to just answer in the bathroom, my mom slammed my door. I went to the bathroom to answer but I heard my door open. Once again I asked her to leave and she did. With my sister. 

My sister came back inside my room and told me what my mom had told her. She told her that she doesn’t want her around me anymore, that she doesn’t want her going in the same direction as me. She said I was crazy and didn’t want my sister to go through the same. My sister responded by saying, “She’s my sister. We’re two different people. We have different problems. We’re both depressed. We’re in this together. The only crazy one here that I shouldn’t be around is you. You’re crazy for thinking I’d leave my sister to fight this battle by herself. You just don’t understand what it’s like to be us. Hit me if you want, I’m use to it, the only one making the mistake here is you.” My mom stayed quiet and left. 

That same night, I left. I left a note for my brother, sister, both my parents, and a second one for my mom. I went to a close friends house, and my boyfriend picked me up in the morning for school. I couldn’t sleep all night. Why did things end up this way? Why do they think I’m crazy. I’m not crazy. They’re crazy for not understanding what it’s like to live in this generation. They don’t understand the impact they have on me, mostly my mom. They don’t understand that I get bullied, I get stepped on, I’m not good enough. They don’t understand that my whole life I’ve been compared to and told I was never good enough. I’ve been fighting and working hard to be good enough for everyone and myself. They don’t understand my struggles. They don’t want to be the reason for my problems because they think they are perfect and I’m exaggarating. They just don’t understand. 

Homeless.. and familyless

I had my first panic attack ever the other night. I was in the shower and I started crying. I was breathless and couldn’t think. I turned off the water and managed to crawl out of my bathroom. I grabbed my towel and dragged myself towards my bed. I didn’t plan on telling my parents because I knew they’d think I am crazy. 

Yesterday came and I went to school and to work like any other day. My boyfriend dropped me off and noticed I was shaking and looked lightheaded. He told me and my mom heard. She asked what was wrong and that’s when I told her about my panic attack. As soon as she left she asked me what my problem was. Why did I have so many problems. I didn’t want to answer her question but I knew if I didn’t she’d bug me, so I told her that they were my problem and went to my room. She barged in and started yelling at me. Telling me my depression is an act, it wouldn’t be considered an act since doctors have tested me and proved I am. She kicked me out of the house and didn’t let me take anything. Before I left both my parents came into my room and yelled at me. I kept defending myself and trying to get them out of my room and it wasn’t possible. My dad almost slapped me straight across the face before I stopped him. I told them that they didn’t know how to understand that that was my reason for not telling them anything. I cried my eyes out, I was shaking, getting paranoid and nervous. I didn’t have anywhere to go or anyone to go to. I told them about my sister beginning to go through the same path and they blamed it on me. That I taught her to be like me. EXCUSE ME? I’m not the one being unfair, hitting her, yelling at her, and misinterpreting her words. She came in and checked on me after my parents left. She told me my brother was crying, he felt sorry for not understanding or believing how hard this is for me and her. I got up and left. I slept outside on my trampoline and snuck back in in the morning. I didn’t plan on coming to school, neither did my sister. We planned on running away for the day and enjoying life away from home. 

School’s almost over and I don’t know if I should go home or not.. I don’t know what to do..

Baby Steps

My year as a sophomore is quickly coming to an end. By the end of this week I will only have two weeks left of this school year and then it will be summer. I’ll be going on to be a high school Junior. This year went by quickly and when I really think about it I realize that I went through so much for a girl my age. In this whole year I experienced things I never thought I would. My sophomore year was based on growing up, taking risks, living my life, learning, and really maturing.

Saturday morning I went to an interview that my parents sent me to. It was basically a bunch of questions relating to my heritage and background. The questions were simple, do people treat you badly because you’re hispanic? How well do you speak English/Spanish? It was real simple. Towards the end the questions became more personal and about my mental health. At the end of the interview I was told that just five months ago, in December, my results said I was 55% depressed. This second time I took the interview the lady told me that my results went higher, I was 89% depressed and this time I had 76% anxiety disorder. In my head I just thought, tell me something I don’t know. She called my mom and told her, explained my options, and figured out a plan. The last thing I really wanted was for my mom to get involved. They don’t help me, they make things worse. I avoided bringing up the subject all week, hoping the subject would die away but it didn’t. It came up twice and I wish they wouldn’t blame me for my problems.

On the bright side, my boyfriend asked me to prom. It was kind of a last minute thing taking in mind that prom is this Saturday, but we managed to get everything we needed in one whole day. I never thought that I’d be going to prom as a sophomore. That’s one of those living life moments that I’ll get to experience this year. I’m pretty excited because I have never gone to prom or even thought about it. I always thought I would never go, but people at my school actually expected me to go. A week ago people told me they were surprised I didn’t get asked, but now I did. It’s just crazy how things fall into place like they are meant to happen. Everything has it’s time. I might hate the fact that I have to put up with my depression and anxiety, but I honestly love everything I went through. I love the fact that I learned more about life than I ever would have if I would have stayed locked up in my room every night until the end of high school. I made it through another year of life, it was a bumpy road but it was worth it and I don’t regret anything that happened.

At the beginning of the year I didn’t know what I wanted to make of myself this year and in the future. I didn’t know anything, I was a clueless, scared girl. This whole year all that changed. I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, I went a different direction and did things for myself, I literally took risks and lived my life, I tried new things, and now I’m applying for scholarships and finding colleges. It’s crazy, all that can happen in one year. All I have to say is that it was a fun ride.

The old me vs The new me.

Old Me:

I went to a private school for nine years. 2 pre-school then Kindergarten-6th grade. 6th grade is the year when all the same grade level kids come together for the first time ever and go to school together. It’s the year they start creating groups, making new friends, and getting to know each other. I couldn’t be a part of that because I stayed at the private school. I transfered during 7th grade to the public middle school. Before I even started there I only had 3 friends that I knew from the public school. When I started it wasn’t the way I thought it would be. I didn’t know who to talk to, where to go, who to go with, nothing. Everyone had each other from the year before and I had no one. I was lucky enough to have one friend who let me sit with her group of friends. I guess this was the cool group because everyone looked up to them. I got lucky. But throughout my whole middle school life I never fit into their group. I was an innocent little girl who transferred from a private catholic school surrounded by public school kids. I avoided getting into trouble and didn’t go along with many of the things they did. So they picked on me because I wasn’t like them. They pushed me around, called me names, judged me. I was scared because I never learned how to defend myself the way they do. I couldn’t cuss them out or even throw a punch. I couldn’t defend myself and no one would do it for me, so I got boyfriends. I thought maybe if I got a boyfriend I’d be cool and they’d stop picking on me. They didn’t. I picked the wrong guys to date, according to my “friends”. Those “wrong guys” are my best friends today for the amazing way they treated me. They were the ones that kept me away from my “friends” and protected me. That was my mistake in middle school. Dating for defense. To this day though, I love them with all my heart and consider them my best friends. That was basically what my middle school life was like. I got bullied, couldn’t defend myslef, I didn’t take risks, and I never didn anything for myself.

The new me: 

I wanted my freshman year to be different from middle school. I really wanted a huge change. My mistakes from middle school followed me into high school and it ruined my reputation for high school. It wasn’t a great start. I decided I wouldn’t date anyone in high school, that way everyone would realize that the way I was in middle school, when it came to guys, isn’t the same anymore. I was single for all my freshman year. I still got judged, boys would put me down and it wasn’t the best year ever. It was the year I became suicidal, realized I was depressed for a long time, lost friends, and myself. I was still scared of life. Everyone around me was enjoying their life’s but me. Drinking, smoking, losing their virginities, going to parties, sneaking out, taking risks and living their life’s. I distanced myself and avoided being around that because I was so scared. It wasn’t until my boyfriend gave me that push to live my life that my sophomore year became the year when everything changed. I literally started living my life and experienced things I never expected to experience at this age. Everything was different and I started living my life, literally. I became alive and started taking risks. I am young and I’m enjoying it. I haven’t came over my depression, I still get judged and bullied, my life isn’t perfect but I like it the way it is now.

My love story.

I remember a while back I talked about how I wanted my own love story/fairytale. I don’t think I’ve noticed or really paid attention, but I am literally living my love story. I have been all year and I never knew or noticed. I don’t know what part it’s at, I’m assuming ending? It’s one of those confusing back and forth love stories. The kind where you get lost, forget what’s going on, and who’s who. Well here’s a basic summary.

Freshman year: I had a crush on a guy that lasted about 2 years. He never gave a crap, but he was still my friend. I did everything possible to talk to him, see him, whatever. He always bailed on me when it came to making plans. I gave up so many times but the went straight back to him. Which convinced me I was in love, which unfortunately ruined any relationship that came my way.

Sophomore year: I started dating my boyfriend (ex). June 10th 2013. We broke up 3 times, and I constantly complained about being in this relationship. I kept going back and forth and it made no sense. We dating for 9 months and then we officially ended it. I’m assuming that was the climax. We were done and moved on with our lives for good. Here’s where it gets interesting.

My best friend Steve who has been in love with me since 7th grade confessed his love for me, and I friendzoned him hoping things would change between my crush and me. I lost my best friend in that process because of how annoyed I got of him and the rumors he had spread about us. My crush then admitted he had feelings for me, but since the moment he told me we never spoke again. I came to the conclusion that he didn’t really like me and he only said it to say it. So I guess he is out of the picture. My friend Jose who I mentioned in an earlier post invited me to hang out on Friday night. This will explain the amazing weekend I had. I lied to my parents and said I was sleeping over at a friends house, instead I went over to his. Not to do anything sexual or anything. Heck no. I smoked for the first time in my life and then spent the rest of the night just chilling with him. The next day, on Saturday, I went to a quinceanera that I didn’t plan on staying at for too long. I was going to leave and go to a party with Jose and my friend, and again stay the night with his aunts. When our plans cancelled something interesting happened, my ex asked me to dance. I didn’t know how to respond but my first reaction was to take his hand and get up. We danced, danced again, and then went out to get food. We didn’t say much until I snuck out that night. We talked about what happened between us, how much we hated each other and drove each other crazy, we proved some rumors wrong, we talked and talked all night, and he kissed me. He told me he missed me and that he didn’t care how complicated and annoying I was, he just wanted me because there was no one he’d rather spend his time with. We got back together and I realized I got my love story. A crazy one. I realized what me and my ex had was a real realtionship, but I was too immature to realize it. I am in love and I got my love story. It’s going to end in our 1 year anniversary next month, and I can’t wait.

Different Day, same confusion.

So if you saw my post from yesterday, you knew I was pretty mad. Maybe even more than mad. Today though is a new day, and everything will be different. To be hoenst my day started out great, and I’m hoping it ends even better.

Last night after I calmed down my crush texted me and everything was normal. Then we finished playing our game we were playing some night ago. Truth or Truth. It was his turn and I had no clue whatsoever as to how I was supposed to answer his question. He asked me: “Who do you have feelings for?” I wasn’t about to tell him, I have feelings for you that haven’t gone away since freshman year. Yeah no, that might have scared him. So I insisted he answer the question first so I wouldn’t feel weird. He fell asleep, and eventually I fell asleep, hoping he’d text me while I was asleep telling me he had feelings for me. When I woke up that didn’t happen. It wasn’t until my bus pulled into the school that he admitted he had feelings for me. I wanted to jump and scream. After two years he finally has feelings for me! My level of happiness went up so high it’s probably still going. I got off the bus and walked as fast as I could to tell my best friend about what happened.

Here comes the bad part though. I promised to stay single until I get my life together. I said I didn’t want commitment, a relationship, or to “Talk Talk,” with anyone. I am keeping my promise though. It’s the right guy at the wrong time. On the bright side, he’s not ready for a girlfriend either, so it was a win win. I don’t know how long it’s going to be for him and I don’t know how long it’s going to be for me, I just hope it stays like this. I wonder what’s going to change or what’s going to be different now. Like he actually has feelings for me and I still haven’t even processed it. I can’t believe it. I just hope that nothing goes wrong, that I stay true to my promise, and hopefully everything falls into place.

So happy right now, I’m smiling like an idiot.

My explosion.

The worst feeling in the world besides feeling all the depression and anxiety, built up inside me is anger. When I have so much anger built inside me I go off on everyone and anything. One little thing bothers me. I get cold and shaky. My heart starts racing and my head starts thumping. I want to slam doors, run away, and scream so loud Alaska can here me. I’ve had days like these before and days worse than this. Right now on a scale from 1-10 I’d rate today an 8. The worst part about it is the fact that it’s gray, cold, and ugly outside right now. It’s like the weather knew I’d be mad and it decided to make me even more mad. I’m balling my eyes out from being so mad. My parents are giving me such a hard time, I can’t keep it together anymore. They don’t understand that my level of stress is high. I need to get away, and go far away and I’m not kidding anymore. I need to get out of this life just for one second so I can breathe. 

A factor in all my anger is stress. I’m stressed from school and I swear I think I am going to go insane. We only have five weeks until summer break, and at this point in the year I’m ready to drop dead. I’m so stressed that I’m falling behind, I’m losing my memory, my intellegence is slowly fading away. I’m falling asleep in class, I’m lacking. This isn’t like me, I’m always on the top of my game. I finish my work before it’s even due.  That’s my problem with having Honors classes and having homework. It’s too much for me to handle.

The next cause for my anger are the idiot boys that go to my school and that basically live in my area. I’m talking about the ones that put my down and literally crush me everytime. Boys here are so stupid I swear. I probably sound stupid for making boy problems sound like such a big deal but to be honest in my case they are. After breaking up with my ex all I want is to be alone, alone for as long as I need. Long enough that I learn to love myself, so long that I get through this severe depression. I don’t want anything having to do with any guy alive. I don’t want commitment, a relationship, I don’t want to “talk talk” with any guy. I don’t want anything, period. My best friend Steve has been friendzoned by me for as long as I can remeber, and the time finally came when I started considering dating him, but then I decided to stay alone. I explained it to him and out of everyone that knows me I expected him to be the one to understand my situation more. I was wrong. He is the most selfish jerk I’ve met in my life and I cannot deal with him one more second. My ex is a hypocrite, we haven’t talked since our breakup but I’ve seen the way he talks about me through social media vs. how he talks about me to my mom. To be honest he’s a bigger idiot. 

I want to get away so bad. You have no idea how sick and tired I am of being stuck in this piece of crap town. Filled with ignorant, rude, fake, dumb, people. Out of the whole population of this town I only have exactly four friends. That’s not even my full hand. I’m not exaggarating when I say four friends. I have three girl best friends and one best guy friend. Other than that everone else in this town means nothing to me. All they can do is break me and ruin me. I wish my parents could read my posts so they could see how serious and severe this depression has affected me. It’s so bad that I literally hate doing the things I use to love doing. I am so lazy, all I ever do is eat, and complain, because I never have anything to look forward to. Depression is taking over my life and eventually It’ll kill me and it will live my life for me. I don’t want that. Can someone please save me.