I will prove everyone wrong.

What is the perfect girl exactly? Vanessa Hudgens, Kim Kardashian, Selena Gomez? Having perfect hair; the right color, right length, and right volume. Having the perfect body; Curves, skinny, huge butt and boobs. You have to have the perfect smile, the softest face with no acne or wrinkles, beautiful eyes. But then guys look for other details too, like she has to be athletic, or know how to play video games, or be able to eat a double quarter pounder. Boys need to know that there is no such thing as build-a-girl. I’m sorry but let’s be real here, nobody is perfect. 

My whole life I’ve dealt with trying to be good enough for every one but never realized that in the end I should only be good enough for myself. I’m the one that’s supposed to be happy with myself. I’m never going to be perfect obviously but when boys are constantly comparing me to other girls that are “better” or “cuter” than me, then that’s when I wish I could be perfect. It puts me down and makes me feel like I’m not good enough. Instead of realizing the good things about me they point out my flaws and imperfections and use that to tell me who I am. They don’t understand that my scars are from battling my severe depression, the fact that I’m lazy is because of depression, everything is because of my depression. 

That’s one of my biggest goals for the rest of this school year and summer. I’m going to work hard to get the body that I want. the look that I want, because I want to prove everyone wrong. I want those guys that compared me to other girls to fall for me, because now I can reject them for the way they treated me. I know revenge is never the answer but I don’ t think of this as revenge. I think of it more like proving everyone wrong and just letting me be happy. I’m still the same me on the inside, but on the outside the me I’m going to be happy will be shown. I have so much anger and motivation built inside me that I am ready to challenge myself and do this for MYSELF. I’m not doing it for anyone but me. 

 

Positive Vibes

So I was inspired this morning to write more frequently, and with that said I will do my best to post at least three times a week.

For the past week I’ve been on Spring Break which explains why I haven’t wrote at all and I am terribly sorry if some of you were expecting a post.
My spring break to be honest was good and bad. It consisted of a lot of depressing nights, arguments, and realizing things. Although I won’t lie, I do no regret one thing that happened because I learned a lot. I figured out that all I probably need in life is to get away and literally live my life. I was reading my old posts and realized it’s true, it’s nothing new. Instead of wasting my time waiting for senior year I decided to get away a different way. I made plans for my weekends for the rest of the year and summer. Thanks to the job I currently have right now, I am able to pay off most things. I have parties, concerts, raves, road trips, beach days, amusement park days planned to keep me alive. With all the new friends I have now, planning this has become so much easier. I have things to look forward to, memories to create, and write about. Spring Break was like a preview of what my summer will look like, and to be honest I’m excited.
The bad thing about my spring break was going through hard situations. I confronted my mom about everything. It felt good to let it out, of course some of my talking issues kept me from saying some things but I managed to do it and it felt pretty damn good. My ex and I have both moved on with life, so I don’t have to deal with him anymore. We fought but we agreed to go our seperate ways. I went through so much with my mom though that week though. That was mainly my problem this spring break, but to be honest I think it was freaking worth it. I feel like so much was lifted off my shoulders and I know there is still so much to do. My relationship with my mom is obviously never going to change, we’re just two different people that think differently, but it feels good to know that we’re both sort of opening up.

Overall my life is beginning to evolve in a HUGE way. Things are changing, I’m changing, and I honestly love it. I love thinking this way. Like I said earlier I was inspired to keep writing and that’s what I’m going to do because now I can prove this change to myself and to everyone else around me. I’ve told my friends about my blog and posted about it on twitter, facebook, and instagram because now I’m sort of opening up and becoming a bit brave. I found a friend that wants to accomplish one of my same goals and we decided to work for it together so we can keep each other motivated. I really feel like I’m flying now and I honestly love the new me. It sucks to be back in school because now the stress is going to kind of lower this positive vibe but whatever, I just want to get through the year already and start living my life the right way. I grew up helping myself, doing everything for myself, and teaching myself everything and now I fixed myself and didn’t need help from a therapist or my family. I did this all for myself.

There’s sun on a gloomy day.

So lately things have gone from bad to bad and good.

My relationship with my ex has officially ended and we are moving on with our life’s…Well at least I am. It doesn’t make sense because he was the one that told me not to communicate with him in any way or form and I held my end of the bargain, he is breaking his own order. He’s been messaging me, calling me, sending me gifts. Like what the heck man? I don’t respond back in a way I normally would have because I’m in the process of moving on while he is not. I have decided to talk to him about the whole situation and get him to understand that it’s really over, in the nicest most serious way I possibly can. 

On the other hand my life has gone from blue to a bright sunny yellow, and it’s not just because spring is here and the sun is coming out. No what I’m saying is that things have turned for me. My old best friends that I sadly lost during my depression era freshman year are finally appearing out of no where and we are reuniting. Things are actually changing. It makes me so happy because I am no longer alone. There is a way out, and I’m almost getting out. I’m halfway there. 

I met a new group of people that accepted me the second they met me. We laughed, talked, partied together, it’s been amazing. I have a friend named Jose and I’ve known him for about, oh I don’t know, two years maybe? We talked every now and then when I visited him at the Mexican store he worked at. He graduated last year and to be honest he is very attractive. We started talking and hanging out together and that’s how I met this new group of people. I really liked this guy and he likes me. I’m attracted to him but I haven’t caught feelings yet because I don’t want to. We talked about it and I told him that I want to wait a while because I am not ready to be in a new relationship. He said he’d wait because he really likes me. 

It’s such a wonderful feeling. I haven’t been this happy in a long time and to be honest I really hope it stays like this forever. I’m getting that belly-flopping feeling every day now. I feel so relieved and alive. Right now it’s raining in my town so it looks foggy, gray, and gloomy outside, but with the way I’m feeling right now I feel like it’s warm and the sun is shining outside. I could run outside and literally dance. I usually listen to my sad music playlist when I write something on here but now I’m listening to happy fun music. 

I’m actually excited to see what’s coming.

love you all!

That one feeling

Do you remember that feeling you got in your stomach when you were a kid when you would go down a slide or you go over a hill and your stomach just flip flops? The feeling of having butterflies in your stomach? I have come to the conclusion that that feeling is a sign of happiness and if it’s not happiness then you should get that checked because you might actually have butterflies in your stomach or your stomach is literally doing cart-wheels. 

Ever since my ex and I erased each other form each others life’s for good I’ve had that feeling for almost everything. Walking in school, eating lunch, anchoring on our news broadcast, posting things on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. Every time a guy says hi or talks to me, even if they’re just a friend. Hosting our school’s talent show tonight gives me that feeling to. I don’t know what it is, but lately I’m just so happy. I’ve been told that happiness is the key to life and to be honest it really is. I’ve proved it to myself and I never believed in happiness. 

All it takes is to be different. Standing up for what you want, doing and saying what you want, thinking whatever and however you want. Not listening to anyone and just doing you. I’m still depressed and have a dark life, but every now and then this happiness I feel in my stomach feels good and I try enjoying every second of it while it lasts. Before my dark world pays me a visit again. 

My small little world.

How about a round of applause? For the perfect little rich girl, who has her life all together. The girl who puts everyone before herself, keeps everyone around her happy, the one that gets judged and compared to everyday. The girl who goes with the flow, doesn’t fit in, the one everyone likes, because she can manage to fake a perfect smile everyday. Let’s here it for me. Karen.

I didn’t prepare a speech but here’s what I have to say. I’ve been trying, fighting, crying, as hard as I could to get rid of all the weight on my shoulder’s but everyone keeps giving me more things to add to that weight. I’ve always wanted to overcome my depression, I’ve found my way out of this world but with winter visiting right now I don’t have a back up plan. It’s been harder lately trying to get away. I don’t go to therapy anymore, I don’t have anyone to really talk to anymore… I feel alone again and I’d like to thank my family, “friends,” and boyfriend for that. They are the reason I’ve ended up where I am at. My family is basically where one third of depression has grown from. My friends another third for all the judging they’ve said to me and putting me down. My boyfriend for not being a good boyfriend and at never trying listening or  understand me. This life isn’t easy, and I’m  not saying it ever won’t be. My life isn’t what people think it is. They think that just because I live in a nice big house I’m spoiled, rich, don’t have to lift one finger, and what not. My life is nothing near that. Just because I’m an honors student that I can get into any college I want and don’t worry about homework as much as everyone else. They think that because I’m so nice, kind, caring, and giving that I’m the happiest person in this world but in reality it is nothing like that.

My parents almost divorced each other and that experience was the most life changing experience ever. I lost my respect for my mom. I don’t have the best relationship in the world with my mom anymore. My dad was an alcoholic before and I will never forget the nights he came home drunk… My sister has become my number one bully, the longest one I’ve had and the strongest. My friends have judged me because of the way I am. They always found something to judge me about. My laugh, the way I walk, the way I do my hair or make-up, they way I dressed, my nose, my likes and dislikes. They called me names, compared me to people who were “better” than me. Boys judged me because I didn’t fit the criteria of the perfect girlfrined figure… I was never good enought at anything. My boyfriend lowers my self esteem every day, making me feel like I’m not good enough for anyone at all.

If there was a list of every moment when one of these things happend, it’d be a long list. I lost all my confidence and courage. I’m anti-social, I’m scared I’ll make friends who will judge me again. I-I just can’t anymore. I’ve given up. I’m just trying to get by in life.. It’s so hard though. I need light or something to save me.

Different..

I am so confusing. One second I’m talking about how much I hate my boyfriend and that I want to break up with him, then the next I’m saying I want him back and he’s the one. Now it’s just like I’m done with him. At least that’s what I feel now. 

One thing he doesn’t understand is how to understand. What happened in my past happened and there’s nothing he or I can do about it. It’s what made me who I am today and the reason I am the way I am. The amount of boyfriends, crushes, or guys I had a thing with bothers him and honestly it bothers me to but at the moment it’s what I wanted and needed. I don’t regret it to this day. I could never stand up for myself or defend myself, and I felt like I needed someone there to do it for me. I had a hard time fitting in and I thought having a boyfriend would help. They were all great guys and they protected me, gained my trust, and love. That’s why to this day I consider them my best friends. I don’t have many friends anymore because I let go the ones that were my bullies, which was basically everyone. I only have like 4 friends that are girls and the rest are guys. Can’t he understand how much they  mean to me because of how they impacted my life in a positive way? He judges me for what I did in the past and how I use to be. He judges me for being so different than the girls he’s use to being around. 

We never talk or do anything more, I feel like our whole relationship has changed ever since Valentine’s Day. We grab some food, go to his house, lay down and watch movies all day. That’s basically it. Then last minute before I leave he wants to get down and yeah… I get so annoyed at that because I don’t want our relationship to be revolved around that only. I want to be like how we use to be. He doesn’t try and hold my hand anymore or hug me in public. The other day we went to the movies and he didn’t even get a centimeter close to me. He’s different now. He’s also such a cheepscake, did I spell that right? We went to Culver’s the other night for our 9 month anniversary and he made me order something small and cheap because he only took a twenty. We shared a soda, and he made sure they gave free refils before we even walked into the restaurant.

It’s not right.. Like I honestly feel like this time I am wasting my time. I know money should never be a problem or like social class… I know I sound stupid but sometimes I feel like I need someone that’s on my level… I can’t adjust and live the life he lives. I have a brighter future. I am different than he is… I am going to college, getting a diploma, getting an amazing job. I’m going to own a decent home and create a beautiful family.. The path he’s going in won’t have what I dream of… 

He doesn’t know me like he says he does. My idea of fun isn’t the same as his. I have different likes and dislikes than him. Most things we have in common but that doesn’t even matter because they aren’t important things. He doesn’t ever want to do what I do and if he does he doesn’t enjoy it or at least pretend to enjoy it for me.. I just.. I can’t keep living a relationship that’s a complete joke anymore. 

Pregnancy

The responsibility is very big. We don’t have it as easy as our parents. Sometimes even adults struggle. Being a teen parent is a lot of work. You need to get a job to pay hospital and doctor appointments, food and formula, diapers, whipes, clothes, shoes, toyes, etc. It’s a lot of work because not only do you have to support your baby, but also yourself and your partner if they decide to stay. I just found out a friend of mine was pregnant. Her boyfriend was one of my chambelanes from my quinceanera, so we have a really close relationship. She’s four months, they’re having a boy named Santiago, and he’s due in July. Her belly is growing and they are really cute together. My boyfriend and me talk about it sometimes. We plan what we would do in case I accidently got pregnant. 

I’m only 16. a sophomore in high school. I am doing so good at being the top 50th student in my class, high honor roll, and what not. In my middle school days, they use to tell me that they wouldn’t be surprised if I got pregnant at 16. Ever since then I’ve wanted to prove them wrong. I still will but I just want to know, why do people judge teenagers that get pregnant? There are some girls who are responsible, boys who are wanting to be good dads, like they’re prepared, have a plan. Why do we judge them, honestly. Some girls get treated well while others are called sluts or hoes. Why? I want to know what people would say about me. Being a very liked person, someone who doesn’t have a problem with anyone, an amazing student, religious, very known, you know? I want to know what it’s like. My friend and her boyfriend are so in love with each other and this baby that they don’t care what anyone says. That is adorable. I wish I could love someone that much.