Saying no to fear.

As most of you know, I had a boyfriend in the past. We dated for about a year, and it was an off and on thing. It was probably the most confusing thing ever and most of you were left dissapointed in the decisions I had made in leaving him and going back to him. Well I have news for you, it’s been about two in a half months since we broke up. This is one of those things that happened this summer that I wanted to talk about. 

As you know I am a person that hates saying no. I’m scared to dissapoint and not give the people what they want. I  was weak and never did anything for myself. So During my own recovery camp I taught myself to say no. My ex and me broke up the week before I left to Florida, which was the last week of June. My trip to Florida was sort of a getaway from my life and problems, I say sort of because my major problem went on vacation with me. My family. The point is that while in Florida I paid no attention to my life back in Indiana, not even my ex. When I came back I seriously realized it was over and we never did get back together. There was a point when I started to miss him a little bit, and so I saw him. It was a stupid decision but a good eye opener. I had realized how much I missed and loved him but that wasn’t the point anymore. We were broken up and missing each other was just a part of moving on. Just because we loved each other didn’t mean we had to stay together anymore. If it didn’t work out the last four times we dated, what would make this time different? It was the same thing over and over, and I was getting tired. 

The last week of summer my best friend invited me over to her house for the weekend. I agreed to go especially because I didn’t work that weekend. Here’s where my braveness kicked in. After she told me she couldn’t wait I texted her these exact words:
I’ll go, but I won’t go anywhere that involves being around Miguel, just saying. 
She tried convinving me to go, but I kept refusing because I knew that if I went, we’d be together and convince each other that we should get back. I wasn’t going to do that to myself and I won’t do it ever again. She was really proud of me and promised we’d  hang out together another time. I was pretty proud of myself, and happy, even though I didn’t do anything that weekend I was happy. It’s all about setting limits on yourself and telling yourself “no” for YOUR own good. 

 

Moment of impact.

Yesterday felt like the earth was getting an idea of what it feels like to live in hell. Not because it was raining and ugly outside, but because so many things happened. Maybe it was just me and  a few people, but I noticed. 

My day started by going to school which was fine, but my brother didn’t pass a state standarized test. He had worked so hard and he was upset about it. Then I got called into work on my day off which didn’t really make me happy, especially since my co worker hadn’t shown up. I worked all day by myself and it really sucked.. But then at the end of the day I realized that sometimes other peoples problems become bigger than yous and you begin to appreciate everything around you. 

I was walking back into the kitchen to finish my cleaning assignment, and I was mad since I was getting out late. I prayed my manager would let me leave as soon as I finished my assignment. I saw my mom running towards me from the parking lot before I went inside and she yelled at me to hurry out of work, my brother had been in an accident and was in the hospital. At that moment I ran inside and told my manager I had to go, my words were just running out of my mouth, I didn’t even know what I was saying. This was my brother, he is like my twin, my other half. I wasn’t thinking or functioning, she let me go and I ran out. I don’t even remember if I punched out or not. My mom was telling me what happened, and I was in complete shock. I stopped crying, all I wanted to do was get to the hospital. My mom ran inside, the lady at the desk said only two people could go in, but my dad was already in there. When I turned around to sit down I saw his friends sitting down. Their eyes were bloodshot red, their heads in their hands. I looked at his best friend Jesus who stared at me and was crying, I started crying as well. He held me and we just sat there waiting. 

My brother had an old friend from elementary school, a really good friend and a good guy, his dad died that same day. A heart attack. 
Robbie Williams, an actor that made us laugh and cry committed suicide. How can we life be so unexpectant? Lives were lost, hearts were broken, I don’t understand. 

It wasn’t my brothers fault. He was on his moped and the green light was his, he drove and the lady on the other side ran the red light and hit him. She could have taken my brothers life away, but all she was worried about was her car. She tried blaming him, but enough people saw the accident to know that it was her fault. I was at work while this happened, everyone else knew before me. I could have lost my brother and nobody would have said anything. The last thing I said to him before the accident was. “Tell my mom to pick me up at 7:15.” Next thing I knew I was sitting beside him at the hospital just laughing. He’s a funny guy, so I was happy he was staying positive. It hurt me more taking him home, watching him struggle to walk, not being able to breathe or do anything for himself. In a few weeks we’ll put him on crutches and he’ll come back to school. 

I was taught a lesson through this, appreciate everything you have while you still have it. You never know when your life will be taken away. I pray my brother recovers fast, I really do, 

Becoming a butterfly.

Guess what guys?! Today is my first day as a Junior in high school! I am beyond excited. Normally I never am but this year I am super excited, and I am going to tell you why, and also tell you where I’ve been and explain why I haven’t posted since my last day of school as a sophomore.

I put myself on lockdown, in rehab, & went through a change camp. Not literally, I never went anywhere ha. I did all that by myself in my own home. I worked on bettering myself and changing. I went from the scared, insecure, depressed girl to a more confident, stronger, happier girl. I was my own motivation and to be honest, it worked! I spent my summer working and going to summer school, I went to Disney World for two weeks with my family, and I started counseling which I find VERY different from therapy. See I believe therapy plays with your kind more, but I see counseling as something much simpler. All you do is talk and talk, all the counselor does is listen, and give you advice. That made my life easier because I let everything out, everything I’ve been holding on to since 6th grade. It was like losing so much weight in just 2 visits. It felt amazing. My ex boyfriend and me are complete history, and I vowed to stay committed only with myself this year, so no boyfriends at all. With the money I saved up from my paychecks I managed to take myself on a shopping spree. I bought new clothes, makeup, and just stuff I needed to be myself. I changed myself and literally became who I am. I learned to say no without being sorry, I learned to defend myself, I literally am more open now. I’m not as shy as I use to be, maybe a bit, but I’m not afraid of anything anymore. This was just an update to show you guys how much I’ve changed, and I hope to get back on track here and post every Monday and hopefully Fridays too! I’m so excited, I missed writing on here and inspiring so many of you! I’ll talk more about all this change and stuff soon. Don’t be afraid to ask questions! I want to help those who were in my shoes before, to get to where I am now. Love you all!!!

Please try to understand.

Yesterday I came home for a while to get my things. No one was home. I walked up to my room and packed what I knew I needed. Chargers, school stuff, clothes, makeup, hair stuff, bathroom stuff, blankets, shoes, and other important things I needed. All together I had about three full bags. I was set and ready. I went outside and hid my bags under a tree for when I left officially that night. I went back to my house and made something to eat, that’s when my mom and sister came in. I said hi to my sister and baby brother like I normally would, but I ignored my mom. I went upstairs to my room to shower and get any last minute things I could think of. My mom came upstairs and gave me her phone, she said it was my old job calling again. She was mad, she told me to answer and tell them to stop calling. I asked her nicely and politely to leave my room, after asking four times she stepped out but didn’t walk away. “I’m not in your room anymore, now answer the damn phone.” I asked her to walk away, and my sister came in. She told me to just answer in the bathroom, my mom slammed my door. I went to the bathroom to answer but I heard my door open. Once again I asked her to leave and she did. With my sister. 

My sister came back inside my room and told me what my mom had told her. She told her that she doesn’t want her around me anymore, that she doesn’t want her going in the same direction as me. She said I was crazy and didn’t want my sister to go through the same. My sister responded by saying, “She’s my sister. We’re two different people. We have different problems. We’re both depressed. We’re in this together. The only crazy one here that I shouldn’t be around is you. You’re crazy for thinking I’d leave my sister to fight this battle by herself. You just don’t understand what it’s like to be us. Hit me if you want, I’m use to it, the only one making the mistake here is you.” My mom stayed quiet and left. 

That same night, I left. I left a note for my brother, sister, both my parents, and a second one for my mom. I went to a close friends house, and my boyfriend picked me up in the morning for school. I couldn’t sleep all night. Why did things end up this way? Why do they think I’m crazy. I’m not crazy. They’re crazy for not understanding what it’s like to live in this generation. They don’t understand the impact they have on me, mostly my mom. They don’t understand that I get bullied, I get stepped on, I’m not good enough. They don’t understand that my whole life I’ve been compared to and told I was never good enough. I’ve been fighting and working hard to be good enough for everyone and myself. They don’t understand my struggles. They don’t want to be the reason for my problems because they think they are perfect and I’m exaggarating. They just don’t understand. 

Homeless.. and familyless

I had my first panic attack ever the other night. I was in the shower and I started crying. I was breathless and couldn’t think. I turned off the water and managed to crawl out of my bathroom. I grabbed my towel and dragged myself towards my bed. I didn’t plan on telling my parents because I knew they’d think I am crazy. 

Yesterday came and I went to school and to work like any other day. My boyfriend dropped me off and noticed I was shaking and looked lightheaded. He told me and my mom heard. She asked what was wrong and that’s when I told her about my panic attack. As soon as she left she asked me what my problem was. Why did I have so many problems. I didn’t want to answer her question but I knew if I didn’t she’d bug me, so I told her that they were my problem and went to my room. She barged in and started yelling at me. Telling me my depression is an act, it wouldn’t be considered an act since doctors have tested me and proved I am. She kicked me out of the house and didn’t let me take anything. Before I left both my parents came into my room and yelled at me. I kept defending myself and trying to get them out of my room and it wasn’t possible. My dad almost slapped me straight across the face before I stopped him. I told them that they didn’t know how to understand that that was my reason for not telling them anything. I cried my eyes out, I was shaking, getting paranoid and nervous. I didn’t have anywhere to go or anyone to go to. I told them about my sister beginning to go through the same path and they blamed it on me. That I taught her to be like me. EXCUSE ME? I’m not the one being unfair, hitting her, yelling at her, and misinterpreting her words. She came in and checked on me after my parents left. She told me my brother was crying, he felt sorry for not understanding or believing how hard this is for me and her. I got up and left. I slept outside on my trampoline and snuck back in in the morning. I didn’t plan on coming to school, neither did my sister. We planned on running away for the day and enjoying life away from home. 

School’s almost over and I don’t know if I should go home or not.. I don’t know what to do..

Baby Steps

My year as a sophomore is quickly coming to an end. By the end of this week I will only have two weeks left of this school year and then it will be summer. I’ll be going on to be a high school Junior. This year went by quickly and when I really think about it I realize that I went through so much for a girl my age. In this whole year I experienced things I never thought I would. My sophomore year was based on growing up, taking risks, living my life, learning, and really maturing.

Saturday morning I went to an interview that my parents sent me to. It was basically a bunch of questions relating to my heritage and background. The questions were simple, do people treat you badly because you’re hispanic? How well do you speak English/Spanish? It was real simple. Towards the end the questions became more personal and about my mental health. At the end of the interview I was told that just five months ago, in December, my results said I was 55% depressed. This second time I took the interview the lady told me that my results went higher, I was 89% depressed and this time I had 76% anxiety disorder. In my head I just thought, tell me something I don’t know. She called my mom and told her, explained my options, and figured out a plan. The last thing I really wanted was for my mom to get involved. They don’t help me, they make things worse. I avoided bringing up the subject all week, hoping the subject would die away but it didn’t. It came up twice and I wish they wouldn’t blame me for my problems.

On the bright side, my boyfriend asked me to prom. It was kind of a last minute thing taking in mind that prom is this Saturday, but we managed to get everything we needed in one whole day. I never thought that I’d be going to prom as a sophomore. That’s one of those living life moments that I’ll get to experience this year. I’m pretty excited because I have never gone to prom or even thought about it. I always thought I would never go, but people at my school actually expected me to go. A week ago people told me they were surprised I didn’t get asked, but now I did. It’s just crazy how things fall into place like they are meant to happen. Everything has it’s time. I might hate the fact that I have to put up with my depression and anxiety, but I honestly love everything I went through. I love the fact that I learned more about life than I ever would have if I would have stayed locked up in my room every night until the end of high school. I made it through another year of life, it was a bumpy road but it was worth it and I don’t regret anything that happened.

At the beginning of the year I didn’t know what I wanted to make of myself this year and in the future. I didn’t know anything, I was a clueless, scared girl. This whole year all that changed. I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, I went a different direction and did things for myself, I literally took risks and lived my life, I tried new things, and now I’m applying for scholarships and finding colleges. It’s crazy, all that can happen in one year. All I have to say is that it was a fun ride.

The old me vs The new me.

Old Me:

I went to a private school for nine years. 2 pre-school then Kindergarten-6th grade. 6th grade is the year when all the same grade level kids come together for the first time ever and go to school together. It’s the year they start creating groups, making new friends, and getting to know each other. I couldn’t be a part of that because I stayed at the private school. I transfered during 7th grade to the public middle school. Before I even started there I only had 3 friends that I knew from the public school. When I started it wasn’t the way I thought it would be. I didn’t know who to talk to, where to go, who to go with, nothing. Everyone had each other from the year before and I had no one. I was lucky enough to have one friend who let me sit with her group of friends. I guess this was the cool group because everyone looked up to them. I got lucky. But throughout my whole middle school life I never fit into their group. I was an innocent little girl who transferred from a private catholic school surrounded by public school kids. I avoided getting into trouble and didn’t go along with many of the things they did. So they picked on me because I wasn’t like them. They pushed me around, called me names, judged me. I was scared because I never learned how to defend myself the way they do. I couldn’t cuss them out or even throw a punch. I couldn’t defend myself and no one would do it for me, so I got boyfriends. I thought maybe if I got a boyfriend I’d be cool and they’d stop picking on me. They didn’t. I picked the wrong guys to date, according to my “friends”. Those “wrong guys” are my best friends today for the amazing way they treated me. They were the ones that kept me away from my “friends” and protected me. That was my mistake in middle school. Dating for defense. To this day though, I love them with all my heart and consider them my best friends. That was basically what my middle school life was like. I got bullied, couldn’t defend myslef, I didn’t take risks, and I never didn anything for myself.

The new me: 

I wanted my freshman year to be different from middle school. I really wanted a huge change. My mistakes from middle school followed me into high school and it ruined my reputation for high school. It wasn’t a great start. I decided I wouldn’t date anyone in high school, that way everyone would realize that the way I was in middle school, when it came to guys, isn’t the same anymore. I was single for all my freshman year. I still got judged, boys would put me down and it wasn’t the best year ever. It was the year I became suicidal, realized I was depressed for a long time, lost friends, and myself. I was still scared of life. Everyone around me was enjoying their life’s but me. Drinking, smoking, losing their virginities, going to parties, sneaking out, taking risks and living their life’s. I distanced myself and avoided being around that because I was so scared. It wasn’t until my boyfriend gave me that push to live my life that my sophomore year became the year when everything changed. I literally started living my life and experienced things I never expected to experience at this age. Everything was different and I started living my life, literally. I became alive and started taking risks. I am young and I’m enjoying it. I haven’t came over my depression, I still get judged and bullied, my life isn’t perfect but I like it the way it is now.